Thursday, January 9, 2014

2014 is

The holidays are over, finally. I say it that way, but I love the holidays. Christmas is one of my favorite times of the year, and ringing in the New Year does, of course, lend itself to thoughts of what I want in the upcoming year. 2013 was pretty damn fabulous, and 2014 is going to have to work hard to beat it.
Unfortunately, we started with more of a bang than anyone wants. On January 2nd, my dad had a heart attack. A big one, according to my mom (and his doctors). He's alive and recovering, but it's been scary for us all. Every time I talk to my mom she still sounds shaken by how close she came to losing him. My dad sounds a bit sheepish, like he's ashamed of scaring us all so much. He's young, still in his early 60s, and he apparently had a treadmill test in September that looked good so no one's quite sure where the blockages came from.
They told me not to come home, but it's frustrating to be so far away. The first time I got to talk to my mom (the initial contact was with my brother) I asked how my dad was doing and she said, "Oh, well, we can talk about that later." NO, WE FUCKING CAN'T. (I did not say it that way to her.) But she put my dad on the phone, and that was a bit reassuring. They both keep trying to ask me how I'm doing, as if that matters right now. So when they do I've been cheering them up with stories of their granddaughter.
So, that's what's going on with me right now. Pardon me if I don't write much. Between the baby, the concerns with home, and an upcoming visit from two of my brothers, my life is a bit chaotic right now. I don't even know what to write about. In comparison to all of the family stuff, being excited about my consignment shop sales (so I only had to pay $4 for a pair of jeans there, jeans that actually fit my post-pregnancy, post C-section self) seems pretty lame.
Baby Girl grew out of the newborn size of clothing over the holidays so I washed them all and put away the ones we want to keep and took the ones we didn't like (pink freaking cheetah print) to a children's consignment shop. While I was there I bought a (used) bouncy seat so that we can get small breaks. It worked. She took a long nap in the seat after I got it home, and I was able to use two hands when making my breakfast today. Of course, I then had to nurse her as soon as breakfast was actually made, so I ate cold oatmeal a while later. :)
In other positive news, breastfeeding is going much better. I used the pump a lot over the holidays, both to try to build up my supply and to have some milk on hand so that Shane and I could have some baby-free time. We actually got to go on a date to see "The Hobbit"! It was lovely. We dressed up a little bit, went out to dinner, then went back to the house for a short while since the deli we wanted to eat at (Jersey Subs--go there, it's amazing) closed early and the movie didn't start until almost 10:00. So when we left for the movie Shane said, "Um, I'm pretty sure my shirt has a pee spot on it." (We discovered just before we left that she was leaking out of her diaper--the cloth insert got moved around a bit and she, apparently, peed a ton in the 45 minutes since we'd last changed her.) I said, "That's ok. She spat up on my shoulder after I fed her and I forgot to change my shirt too." Ah, parenthood.
I've been driving Shane crazy by doing exactly what I said I didn't want to, which is second-guessing him when he's with the baby. I finally had to explain the other night that when she's not in my arms it's like I have phantom limb pain. Part of my brain is constantly freaking out and it doesn't feel right until I'm holding her again. Even when I'm happy that I've put her down, because now I can get shit done, I check on her every minute or two because having her so far away from me (even if it's just a couple of feet, or if she's with someone else) doesn't feel right. I have to work very hard to restrain that instinct. But I'm working on it. I took the dog out for a jog the other night, my first one since just before I found out I was pregnant last March. It sucked. My legs are so out of shape, and I was getting over a (24 hour) cold so my lungs weren't in the best shape. It was cold, and I didn't wear anything over my face, which was just stupid. But, it was glorious too. My iPod died at Thanksgiving so I didn't have any music, just the crunch of my feet in the ice and snow reminding me that every step is one that I couldn't have made just 7 weeks ago. I'm going for another run tonight.

So, what am I looking forward to about 2014? I'm not even sure, other than a general excitement about seeing Baby's development, and getting closer to my husband, spending time with family and friends.
Because the darkest part of the year is finished, I'm once again looking forward to gardening. I won't be pregnant this year, so I have no excuses to neglect my garden and while I'm certain I won't fulfill all of my grand plans, it will still be a garden. I will grow food for my family and it will be glorious.

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