Monday, December 17, 2012

At least on the cold days, I walk faster.

I made it in to work about five minutes early this morning, even though I left the house at my usual time. Why? Because it's -45 outside. My legs were getting quite chilly so I walked faster. Numb thighs are quite the inducement to get moving.
Actually, I'm fairly impressed with myself. I'm tired (had a night where I just couldn't get my brain to shut up and let me sleep last night) and there's lots of snow on the ground so I should have been moving slower than usual. Last week we had what a friend jokingly dubbed Snowpocalypse, getting at least a foot and a half of snow in about 24-48 hours. It was so bad that, for the first time since sometime in the 1970s, the Borough closed the schools for a snow day. They simply couldn't plow the roads fast enough. Of course, the U stayed open (if for no other reason, it was finals week) so I had to go to work. It was like a ghost town for my walk.
Despite the lack of cars, that walk should have been miserable. Blizzard conditions aren't usually my favorite, what with the poor visibility and the tromping through ankle-deep snow uphill. (It's worse than walking through sand!) I might have been a little upset, also, because I started my morning with one major and one minor disappointment. (The minor disappointment was that Shane woke up when I did, and as I was in the bathroom doing my morning stuff I heard the sounds of breakfast being made. I thought, "So sweet! He's making me breakfast!" Wrong. He was making himself a BLT. He didn't even make an extra piece of bacon for me.) I'd also slept funny on my right shoulder and it hurt to move it. So I was in a bad mood before I ever saw the snow. I told myself that I was getting in an excellent cardio workout first thing in the morning and that helped my mood.
Anyway, that was Wednesday. By Thursday the snow had become knee-deep. We didn't shovel our driveway so just leaving my house, getting to the sidewalk, was a bit of a workout. I decided that instead of taking the back, woodsy path to work I would walk up one of the more-traveled hills which had a better chance of being plowed. It wasn't knee-deep, but it was still deep snow. When I was grumping to myself about the snow, I realized that I was less likely to meet a moose on that more-traveled path, and that if I had met a moose on the other path I would have been in serious trouble. (Yeah, snow would slow both of us down, but it would slow 5 foot me down more than it would slow an 8 foot tall moose.)
Of course, that didn't stop me from walking home through the woods. How could I resist the lure of fresh, deep snow? And what a workout that is! It had stopped snowing by that time and walking downhill through knee-deep snow seemed like the best idea ever. So. Much. Fun. I felt like a kid again and I was tempted to throw myself down in the powder but I didn't. Walking through it was enough. (And I didn't meet any moose.)
When I walked home through the woods on Monday of this week, I did see moose tracks on the path. They were fairly fresh, fresh enough to make me nervous and to call out, making sure there wasn't still a moose there. I still get nervous walking back there, after what happened (or nearly happened) last winter. When it started getting dark in the mornings I had one day where I literally jumped at my own shadow when I saw it moving.
In those two days we went from far less than average snowfall for this time of year to almost average. It was crazy. The snow is now deeper than my dog is tall. On Friday we took her out to run in the deep snow (and for us to go sledding!) and that was ridiculously fun. She avoided the truly deep snow, unless we ran into it and called her. Then she'd swim and jump her way out to us. My little old lady dog was exhausted that night. I loved it. We did get some video of her in the snow, just for fun and to show family.
And it was warm last week. It got up into the +20s. Not exactly tropical temps, but warm enough that I wore my fleece over a t-shirt one day and that was all. No need for the usual ridiculous number of layers. It was glorious.
And now we're back to normal winter in Fairbanks temperatures. It's supposed to get down to the -50s later this week. What a challenge this place is, in the best possible way. I love that it takes creativity to meet the challenges Fairbanks (and Alaska in general) throw at me. I'll never conquer this place, but I can rise up and be equal to the task of living here. I can face it head-on and thrive under difficult conditions. So while others are groaning at the thought of -50, I'm secretly smiling to myself because I know that Fairbanks is just forcing me to push myself and my limits. It's making me be a better me. If I'm at my best, I'll be able to find the joy and fun in -50 as well as I did in a foot and a half of fresh snow.
I don't say this because I think I'm, as one of my brothers put it, "tough as nails". Every environment has difficulties and the trick is to find which one suits you. Blizzards? Hurricanes? Extreme heat? While I wilt in anything over 80 degrees, my real kryptonite is rain. I hate having it rain day in and day out. As much as I love my friends and family in the Pacific Northwest, I don't think I'll ever live there again because I hate the rain so much.
My point, really, is that I'm trying to find the joy in little things. Daily things. Even when I should, by most standards, be miserable. -50 emphasizes how lucky I am to have a warm apartment, warm clothes (many of which were given to me by loved ones), enough food, all those good things. The difficulties we encounter are there to show us just how good we really have it. I know I have a lot to be thankful for.
This has seemed to be a particularly tough year in many ways. Especially the autumn and now into the end of the year, so many sad things have happened. The shooting at Sandy Hill Elementary, the one in the mall in Oregon. Even here, we had someone commit suicide at my work. A friend and coworker kept mentioning how it could have been worse, the things he could have done. I've been trying really, really hard not to think about the fact that things that day could have been so much worse. It's not helpful to me to think about what might have been, what could have gone wrong.
Yes, there are lots of bad things which happen. Most of them, I don't have any control over. I could be upset by it all, get depressed. I choose not to. I'm choosing to find life and joy in the little things, to be happy with what I have while I have it. I'm aware that life is precious and fleeting, so I'm holding my loved ones a little bit closer and appreciating the time we have together that much more. In the face of sorrow, that's really all we can do, isn't it?

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

-40 again

The past few days it's been -40 here. This is sort of a magical number, the point at which Celsius and Fahrenheit meet. Not nearly as cold as it can get, -40 has a special kind of appeal. For one thing, it's not truly considered a cold snap here unless we hit -40. People complain about the cold when it's warmer than that, of course, but it's always with the knowledge that it will get colder. There's speculation in the newspaper about when we'll hit the marker for the first time each winter, as there's great variation. This year's, being in early December, was sort of middle of the pack. Last year we had a super early -40, at the beginning of November. No matter how much we think that it's winter before then, -40 shows us that we've just been getting a taste of what this place will throw at us. People adopt a fatalistic attitude at this point, not really caring if it gets colder because, heck, we've already hit -40. It can't get much worse.
Pipes have been bursting all over town because they've frozen and places are shutting down. Some of this is problematic--a friend who works for Meals on Wheels was frustrated that they shut down for anything colder than -30, which is sort of when the seniors they serve need their care the most. Even aside from the food they bring, having someone check on the elderly is important.
Cars have been unable to start and people are stranded in their homes. My coworker didn't make it in from North Pole yesterday because the tires on her car were completely flat, simply because of the cold. We've experienced that before, the weird lurching a car makes when it starts because the part of the tire which was resting on the ground froze into its flattened shape. It takes a few miles before the air inside warms up enough to round the tire out again, and tires can easily get punctures in that state.
I realized yesterday afternoon while I was walking home that I don't dread -40 the way most people do. In fact, I sort of greet it like an old friend at this point. Hello, you're back again. Nice to see you. -40 is part of the rhythm of winter here. And, it's lovely.
See what I mean? I took this at about 1:30 the other day. If you look closely, you can see the ice fog in the low lying areas. (It was brighter than it seems, but my iPod doesn't have all the cool filters of super nice cameras.)
There's also this one, just after sunset the other day:
Walking through -40 doesn't bother me either. In fact, it seems to bother other people that I'm still willing to trudge through the cold far more than it affects me. They're amazed, shocked, concerned. I just dress warmer.
Today it's noticeably warmer, in the -20s. People say there's not much difference between -20 and -40 but there certainly is when you're walking so much. My eyelashes freeze faster and get much frostier, the air is so dry that it makes me cough a bit. I notice even more when, as now, we warm up about ten degrees. This morning I even pulled off my heavy winter coat as I walked up the hill, so that I wouldn't be sweating. (I was wearing two pairs of socks, heavy boots, long underwear under my jeans, a long-sleeved shirt, fleece jacket, hat, gloves, and scarf around my neck and face, so I wasn't exactly naked without my coat. Also, it's a really steep hill.) No one else really seemed to consider near -30 to be any warmer, however.
I know that we'll hit -40 again quite a few times this winter, and it will almost certainly get even colder in January. When it does, I'll welcome it once again. Hello old friend.

Crafting Projects, Part Two

I absolutely loathe the trend of dressing pets in people clothes, but around here it can be a necessity. I do have a little coat for the dog (which I bought in black to blend in with her hair, but am now kicking myself for not choosing something like red--for visibility, since she only needs to wear the coat when it's, duh, dark and cold) and I've bought booties in the past but they've had two major flaws. The first set of booties I got for her had this lovely stretchy Velcro which kept them on her feet. I loved it. However, the fabric that was used was super thin. All four of them had gaping holes in them by the time we got home from our very first walk with them, and one of my girl's paws had a scratched and bleeding pad. I was NOT happy. The second set of booties I bought were made of a thick canvas-y material with fleece inside for comfort and warmth. They were very sturdy. However, they didn't have the nice elastic around them so within three walks we were down to only one booty left, the others thrown off her feet and lost in the snow. Cue grinding teeth as I'm supremely frustrated.
I have not been able to find any booties for sale in this town which combine the best of them both. So, making my own was the only way to go. The fantastic M, as well as showing me how to use a sewing machine and troubleshooting all of my problems and just generally being amazingly helpful, gave me some scraps of fleece she had from a different project so that I didn't have to buy any. I used the canvas from my sandwich wrap project (I have so much left--what possessed me to buy a full yard??!!) and I was fairly quickly able to make the booties. I'm sorry, I don't have any pictures of the process. But here it is in words.
1. I cut very long strips out of all my fabric (ten total, since I made one extra "test boot"). They were probably only about 3-4 inches wide and easily 9-10 inches long. What size you need will depend on the size of your dog and their feet--I have a cocker spaniel, so these are pretty small. However, it was easy enough to eyeball what I thought I would need. I even ended up making them a bit thinner after I made the first test boot.

2. Put the fleece over the canvas and sew them together at the two thin ends. These will be the top of the boot so be sure not to sew these two seams together, just attach the canvas to the fleece.

3. Sew a long line of Velcro near the top of one of the canvas sides. The elastic will go on the opposite side, so that it wraps around the dogs' leg and holds the boot up securely.

4. Cut the elastic, about as wide as the fabric. The easiest thing to do is to sew the elastic into the side seam. As with pretty much every sewing project ever, this is sewn mostly inside out. So, bring the two thin (already sewn) ends of the fabric together (fleece out, canvas in) and tuck the elastic into the first side you'll sew, the long edge. Keep a little tail of elastic out, but most of the elastic should be on the inside, the canvas side (which will be the outside when you're all done).

5. Sew up that edge, elastic and all. I did an edging stitch with another straight stitch over the top to ensure sturdiness.

6. Sew up the other long side, but be sure not to catch the elastic. You want the second side of the elastic to be free.

7. At this point you should have a longish tube with elastic and Velcro on the inside. It sorta looks like a boot, success! Turn it right-side out, with the fleece on the inside. Almost done!

8. This is a good time to test the boot a bit. Make sure it fits your dog's foot and that the elastic is long enough to reach the Velcro but not so long that it will still be loose.

9. Once you've ensured a proper fit, sew a little bit of Velcro onto the end of the elastic. Make sure that you use the side which will attach it to the other bit of Velcro!
I used a fairly soft double-sided Velcro, so it didn't matter to me which side faced in or out. However, if you're using scratchier stuff make sure it won't accidentally catch the dog's hair.

The finished product:

The pads of a dog's feet are, apparently, resistant to frostbite down to about -35. However, that doesn't mean they don't get cold. Even worse, when a dog's paws are cold they can get scratched and torn more easily. The urgency I felt in making these booties was because I've taken my dog out walking in the past and she's come home with all four paws bleeding. She loves her walks and runs (I cannot emphasize that enough) so keeping her inside all winter would be just cruel. These aren't for fashion, they're a matter of safety for my beloved girl.
As you can probably tell from the rather grimy appearance in that photo, we've used them several times already. The dog hates them when we're in the house, comically lifting her paws way too high to walk, but she forgets that as soon as we get outside. The only problem left is that they don't have any grip on the ice so she slides around a bit. Small price to pay, in my mind, for the fact that she doesn't cut her paws anymore. And we haven't lost a single one!
At the end of the trip, my MIL very generously gave me her old serger. In case you don't know, a serger is a little bit like a sewing machine but not quite. They're a bit different and apparently the serger makes fantastic seams, better than those of a sewing machine. If you look on the inside of your t-shirt, that's a serged seam. I realized after making these booties that they probably could have been mostly done on a serger, with the Velcro added by hand later. If When I need to make more, I'll probably do it that way.
These projects which I did are, of course, not nearly all of the projects I have waiting. I found a super cute pattern for an apron, I want to make these reusable "paper" towels, I love the idea of these potholders, a kitchen wet bag (for dirty kitchen towels and such), and so many more. Hell, I'd even love to learn to quilt. (Because of this one, and this one, and this one!) But a sewing machine, even a good used one, isn't in the cards just yet. We'll see what I can accomplish on a serger, however. (She said with a mad gleam in her eye....)

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Pinterest rant

I've mentioned before that I'm a fan of Pinterest. Oh, the food I've found on that site that's made my life more delicious! (If you're my Pinterest friend, I put ++ next to the ones I've tried, and if they're still pinned that means they were delicious. Just so you know.) The crafting projects! Hell, even the cute ways to do my hair! Love it. So many great ideas, recipes, etc., and a way to keep track of them all, what's not to like?
A lot, it turns out. Holy fuck, that site is so bipolar. You can see a poster about how awesome you are and never change! right next to a pin about how to change yourself for the better in five simple steps. Sometimes, they've been pinned by the same person.
So, despite my love of Pinterest, here's my little Pinterest rant.

1. What you "need" is not a two-story walk-in closet. What you need is to get rid of some fucking clothes. If you truly feel that you "need" that, you have too many already.

2. Please, for the love of God, stop with the chevron and burlap everything.

3. Those cross tattoos that you find so "meaningful"? They're not. In fact, stop with the Christian everything. It's not a sign of true faith, it just makes me think you need to give yourself a pep talk to continue believing.

4. Astrology is bogus. I would laugh at everyone who posts about how Sagittarius girls totally do this or that if it wasn't freaking everywhere. Open a science book and read it.

5. Nutella never has been, and will never be, a healthy option. That doesn't mean it's not delicious, but don't kid yourself.

6. Same thing goes for crescent rolls.

7. If a makeup or hair tip really did change your life, that's just sad and you should re-think your life.

8. All those posts and sayings about how you're so over that drama just shows people that you're not actually over it. If you were, you wouldn't need to keep telling yourself how over it you are.

9. Your name, initials, and the date of your wedding are rather nauseating. Stop putting them on everything. What are you trying to do, brand your house? Fetishizing yourself that way just shows how narcissistic you are. Go volunteer at a soup kitchen.

10. Who the hell is Channing Tatum?

11. I don't really care about your fantasies involving a reincarnated Ronald Reagan. Stop pinning those and try living in a little place I like to think of as Real Life.

12. You absolutely do not "need" a home movie theater.

13. Don't keep calm and whatever you want to end that with. Fuck you. 99% of the posters I've seen don't even make sense, like someone's just been playing a giant game of Mad Libs with them. "Keep Calm and HONEY BOO BOO". Is there even a complete thought expressed in that?

14. Continue on with the adorable kitten and puppy pictures. Those totally make my days better.

15. You might want to remember that sometimes the simplest decorations are the nicest. And I don't mean making more out of cheap materials (see the comment about burlap above), I mean having fewer Christmas/Halloween/Thanksgiving, etc., decorations. Your home does not need to be an ode to the current holiday. Plus, you'll just have to clean all that shit up later and who really wants to do that?

16. That object you think is sooo cute right now, so necessary? Yeah, seriously think about it first. Are you really going to love it, or are you going to throw it out in two months when you come across something you like better?

17. Continue making fun of Twilight. That shit never gets old.

18. Try using mason jars for, I dunno, food preservation. Like they're meant to be. When you have a full pantry, then you can make the extra jars into cute decor. (If you actually have any left, that is.)

19. Making things out of pallets is fantastic and all, but you don't really need to make everything in your house from old pallets. Just sayin'.
I know, I know. It seems weird that I'd complain about this, right? Pallets embody things I love! DIY-ery, cheapness, etc. But (and yes, this does sound like a total hipster complaint) it seems that "pallets" have become the new buzzword, like everyone asking for granite countertops and "an open concept" in their house. Neither of those things are bad in and of themselves, either, it's just that I think people are going for what's trendy without going for what they actually like. Pallet furniture is about frugality, making something yourself out of (essentially) garbage. I get the feeling (from comments I've read below pallet furniture pins) that most people would buy those items for exorbitant amounts, the antithesis of the whole reason for pallet furniture, just to say that they have something in their homes made out of pallets.

20. If you post anything that says "white girl drunk", die in a fire. What the hell does that even mean?

21. Don't ever say anything along the lines of "how I look like". It's "what I look like" or "how I look". Combining the two just screams "I'm ignorant!"

22. A gift of soda and candy, no matter how cute the ribbon and saying on it, would just make me think you're a cheap bastard who wants me to be fat. I'm guessing I'm not alone in that.

23. I'm terribly sorry to inform you that looking at home organization pins does not actually organize your home. I've tried it.

24. Beautiful makeup does not equal beauty. I'm not trying to say something shitty like "inner beauty is what counts". I mean, more makeup does not make you beautiful. Don't let Pinterest fool you into thinking that it does.

25. If you don't end up making all of your Christmas gifts by hand from things you pinned, or scrapbook your baby's every fart, get everyone's handprints/footprints/pawprints in salt dough you made yourself and turned into Christmas ornaments, don't worry. Breathe.

There, a few things I wanted to get off my chest. I feel better now. Anything you feel I left off the list?

*Disclaimer: I'm quite certain there's stuff I pin which is annoying as hell to the other Pinterest-ers who know me. Like, I'm loving the grumpy cat meme. Other people, probably not so much. I also have a few things (which one person mentioned) which I pinned not because they're practical AT ALL, but merely to drool over. Doesn't mean I'm going to go building myself a two-story closet to house those things, or that I'm ever going to think I "need" the things I pinned. I'm getting along just fine without them right now, so I have clearly differentiated my needs from my wants, and further out from that, my wants from my if-I-lived-a-different-life daydream things. Feel free to (mentally) flip me the bird if you disagree with anything I said above, and pin the hell out of the things you love regardless of what anyone else thinks. :)
I'm also not making fun of any particular person or group, these are just the trends I've noticed that bother me.

Monday, December 3, 2012

Crafting projects

Over the Thanksgiving weekend, when we went to visit my in-laws, I decided that I needed to take advantage of the availability of a sewing machine. I've had so many sewing projects which I've wanted to try out but, without a sewing machine, haven't been able to. I'm a terrible sewer, not having had much practice. I can barely say that I know how to run a sewing machine, and to call myself a novice still implies a bit more experience and knowledge than I have. I think I've only used a sewing machine maybe three times before? Still, with excellent help from my BIL's girlfriend, M (who has been teaching herself to quilt and sew and makes AMAZING, beautiful things) I managed to get through my projects. I figure that if I could manage to do these, pretty much anyone else can too.
The first project to tackle were simple drawstring bags, which I wanted for use when I go grocery shopping. Since I do so much shopping from the bulk section, and since the plastic bags break after one or two reuses, simple drawstring bags seemed like the best option. I loosely (very loosely) followed these instructions and made seven drawstring bags of various sizes.
I used fabric I already had, from an old set of curtains I had made (by hand) for our cabin. They don't fit any of the windows in our current apartment, however, and the fabric had merely been sitting taking up space while I tried to think of what else I wanted to do with them.
On the advice of M, this is the stitch I used on the inside, then a straight stitch over the top to make sure it's extra sturdy.
This is how the top looks from the outside, the puffy area is where the drawstring goes through.
And, the finished product, before putting a drawstring in it. It's a square! (I just had my iPod and couldn't figure out how to get a decent picture of it looking like a bag, rather than a square. Sorry.) I found that the easiest way to thread the drawstring through is to attach a paper clip so that there's something firm on the end to grab.
I've now used these bags several times at the store and they're fantastic! I even bough flour yesterday and used one of them. I was a little worried that flour might come out the top so after drawing the string tight I wrapped it around the top of the bag, under the drawstring, and tied it tightly. This, and keeping the bag upright, prevented any spillage of flour. When I got home I transferred the flour to a glass jar and the bag will go in the wash. Since flour and water makes paste, I'm going to turn it inside out, get as much flour out of it as possible and then put it (still inside out) in the wash. If it still makes paste and gets gunky and gross, I'll be sure to update this to let everyone know.
My second project was a set of sandwich wraps. I saw an idea a while ago that I thought was fairly brilliant, the only problem being that it still uses plastic. There are hundreds of tutorials on how to make these sandwich wraps (the link above is just for Google search results) and some of them use plastic, others don't. I didn't want the plastic but I did want something sturdier than simple cloth, so I used canvas instead. I tried to find oilcloth and couldn't. Oh well.
I made these about as simply as possible. They're just squares over squares. I did a simple straight stitch to attach the canvas to the other fabric, then folded over the edges (twice, so the true edge of the fabric was tucked in) and sewed those down.
I put Velcro on two opposite corners, one small strip on the inside edge of one corner and a much longer strip on the outside of the opposite corner. (I used double-sided Velcro, very easy to use.) The reason for the longer strip is so that it can be adjusted to fit a variety of sandwiches. Whether square or round or sub-style, these wraps will work.
I actually got to try it out the first Monday we were home, since we didn't have anything in the house for lunch except sandwich stuff. It worked well, although it did leak a little. It was because of the sandwich I made, which has pineapple. (Honey ham, a bit of mayo, pineapple slices, and basil, NOM! So good!) I think that for anything less wet than pineapple it will be just fine. And it certainly kept my sandwich together, which plastic bags don't. (I have also occasionally used our Pyrex containers, but unless I have a round sandwich those sort of fail.) Project success!
The final project I worked on were dog booties, but that will have to wait for a second post since this one is so long already and that one's a bit wordier than these were.

The darkening of the year

I've had several things I wanted to write about recently but haven't. It's sort of a trend right now with me, with many Alaskans. The darkness has been feeling particularly oppressive the past week or so and it's getting me down. Not that I've been feeling depressed by any means, I'm still quite happy, but I'm feeling a need to hibernate. Staying at home in comfy pajamas under warm blankets and reading until my eyes cross is what I want to do. Since I can't stay home all day, I've been reading as much as possible anyway. Six books in a week? No problem! (They were short and easy reads.)
It's the time of year when I trudge through the dark and the cold (-40 today) to sit in my north-facing office all day, and leave again in the dark. If I didn't get out for a short walk after lunch every day I'd never get to see the sun, just the light of it bouncing off the other buildings around. It's not enough. Even with my walk, it's not enough. I want to strip naked and soak up the sun. (The thought of frostbite, hypothermia, and getting arrested, however, are big enough deterrents that I haven't.)
There's a series of yoga positions which, together, are known as the sun salute. I'm not much for yoga myself (to be honest, it bores me) but at this time of year, I totally get that one. I, too, want to stand on a hill at noon when the sun is low on the horizon, but actually visible, and salute it until it goes down. I want, once again, to feel its warmth, even though it won't feel warm again until sometime in the spring. For now, its light would be enough. I wish I could just stand there and let it touch my skin.
All last week I was looking forward to the weekend, when I could sit in the sunshine and sort of recharge myself. When I thought about the weekend I didn't think about hanging out with friends (which we did, and it was fun) or the date we had planned (we finally saw "Skyfall"), I thought about breakfast on Saturday morning. I allow myself to sleep until 10:00 on weekends, which at this time of year is right about when the sun starts coming up.
It was lovely to actually wake with the sun, to go prepare a simple breakfast, and then to sit in the light from the south-facing window, reading and eating, drinking my tea. I sat there for over an hour, simply enjoying the sunlight. The only reason I moved was because the chair got uncomfortable. I positioned one in the living room to face the south as well and continued my reading from there. It was both peaceful and perfect, the best part of my weekend.
My cat has always been incredibly sensitive to me. When I'm ill, he's often the first indication that something is wrong, even before stuffy noses and fevers, because he'll suddenly become snuggly and affectionate, not leaving my side. Since he's not normally a particularly affectionate cat (he merely tolerates being picked up, doesn't like snuggles, and only wants to be petted when he initiates the contact) it's unusual. For the past week or so he's been extraordinarily affectionate with me, even going so far as to lie across my stomach for most of the night. I get frequent headbutts of affection, and I can't sit down to read without having a cat in my lap. But I'm not sick, and don't seem to be getting sick. I can only conclude that he's just as sensitive to my moods and is trying to "fix" me with constant snuggles. I don't mind at all.