There is just so much going on lately. So much sad. Within the last week, I've found out about three suicides which have touched people I love. One of my friends blogged about it here, with some crucial advice for anyone contemplating suicide. Alaska has, by far, the highest rate of suicide in the country. The statistics (many of which are listed on my friend's blog post) are staggering. It's sad, but in the spring I've come to expect a series of suicides to appear in the local newspaper. Generally, though, autumn tends to not have as many suicides. When it's a high schooler who's taken their own life, it's especially painful.
For me, suicide is always a hard topic. I still remember, as a child, learning about my cousin's suicide. I didn't know him--they lived too far away for frequent visits so I only met him once and he was much older than me then, 17 to my 9--but I saw what it did to the adults around me, how sad everyone was. It's probably the number one reason why, just a few short years ago, when a mutual friend forwarded to me an email that seemed to be a suicide note, written by my brother, I took it completely seriously. I called my mom and she found him in time to rush him to the hospital. He's since gotten treatment for his depression and is doing just fine. But it's really not an exaggeration to say that that stands out in my mind as the worst day of my life. Hearing about suicides always brings it all back to me. I don't know if I'll ever forget reading those words, and having a part of my brain scream while another part was trying to make it seem like it wasn't actually my brother's suicide note. It's just so much to take in. The words were so unlike him, so bitter and dark. But, at the same time, it finally clicked for me. His behavior over the months before that moment made much more sense.
Yes, we'd known he was depressed and urged him to get help, but he refused. We didn't know that he was suicidal, however. He'd totally withdrawn from us and wouldn't let us in. When anyone asked how he was we'd get a monotone, "Fine." That was all. He'd listen to me talk on the phone for maybe a minute and then pass me along to someone else. When I read his note, I learned all the things he'd been holding back.
Absolutely the worst part of it all was reading about how worthless he felt. That will never leave me. The fact that he felt like a worthless human being, that he'd think for even a moment that we'd all be better off without him, still hurts. I still wonder if there was anything I could have done differently, anything I could have said, which would have helped him to feel better about himself before he got to that point. And I know, I know what depression is and that there's really not much which can be done from the outside, but I will always wonder.
I know what my friends are going through, their shock and devastation and grief. And it brings all of my own memories back. I remember exactly what I felt like in the weeks following his attempted suicide, and I feel it again for a bit.
Suicide isn't the only manner of death, however, or even the most prevalent. Almost two weeks ago I found out about the sudden and shocking death of a young woman, a friend's wife, just a couple of short weeks after they had their first child. I can't even comprehend the devastation in that young man's life, or what it will be like for their child without her mother. I wrote a short note to my friend expressing my sorrow, but it sounded as inane and stupid as I feared writing a note like that would sound. What do you say in that situation? I'm not sure of all the particulars (having heard most of it third- or fourth-hand) but I didn't ask. Really, despite my curiosity (what could have caused that, a blood clot?) that detail isn't important (for me). I hope that what came through was that I am here to support him, I'm here if he needs help with anything.
As small as it seems, the death of my friend's dog was the final emotional straw for me. With great exuberance and joy (characteristic--my friend does nearly everything with exuberance and joy) my friend adopted a dog about a month ago. A sweet and happy, very fat, corgi/basset hound cross. This dog was older, and she was the kind of dog who just smiled in her doggy way at everything and everyone. F said that she was pretty sure the only thing running through this dog's mind was a constant refrain of, "Don't worry. Be happy." Yep. It was the perfect pet-owner personality match. Since my friend lives right next door, we planned lots of winter walks with our dogs.
When we were out grocery shopping on Saturday I got a text from her saying that her dog had died the night before, at her parents' house. (Her dad is a vet.) It turns out that she (the dog) had a large tumor on her liver and, even by the time my friend adopted this dog, there really wasn't anything they could have done. But that doesn't really stop the tears, does it? Shane and I didn't even get the groceries out of the car before we raced over to F's apartment to hug her, console her, talk about the dog with her, and invite her over to dinner. (That's what you do when someone is in emotional distress, right? Feed them.) She tried to say, "It's so stupid of me to cry this much, I've only had her a few weeks!" But a few weeks is all it takes sometimes. Even I was crying over this dog. Such a happy presence should have more time on this planet.
When faced with strong emotions I tend to do one of two things: I clean maniacally, or I simply shut down and tune out the world for a bit. With everything that's been going on in my own life (like the cat's broken leg, like being sick for most of a week, and other things that I'm not ready to talk about yet) this time I shut down for a bit. I hung out with friends over the weekend, although I didn't want to. What I wanted to do was crawl in a cave for a bit, so I sort of did that. Most of the weekend was spent hunched over my computer, playing a game. I almost never play computer games, this was just my mindless thing to do. Reading, in my mood, was too much interaction with other people. A game where I can fight computer creatures and win (or lose, depending) was just about right. Plus, we've stationed the cat near my computer, so I was hanging out with him. (He seemed less bored, having me there.) Doing just about anything else, such as the dishes, seemed like a monumental and unbearable task. I was a bit useless for most of the weekend.
I'm crawling out of my cave now, slowly. Doing things seems, well, doable. I still don't want to talk with other people, but that might also be because I'm just very tired today. (Shane left for work this morning and I didn't really fall back asleep after he left.) By the end of the week I'll be back to my normal self, ready to take on the world or just reload by spending lots of time with friends.
A cookie or two wouldn't hurt the process, so maybe I'll make some tonight. :)
Monday, October 8, 2012
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
The saddest sight
We've jokingly started calling it the Recovery Palace:
At least in here he's stopped crying all the time. And he can see out better than he could in the kennel, which also reminded him of the vet. He's in a spot in the living room such that he can stare out the big glass doors at the back of the house, and he's right in the middle of us if we decide to watch a movie or TV show on the big television.
For today, though, he's mostly just had to watch me sneeze my brains out and blow my nose frequently while surfing Pinterest.
For today, though, he's mostly just had to watch me sneeze my brains out and blow my nose frequently while surfing Pinterest.
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
It's trauma for the whole family!
We finally took our cat back to the vet's yesterday. About six weeks ago, after a night out on the town (for the cat) I noticed that he was really lethargic, and that he was limping. So we took him to the vet who put him on antibiotics and sent us home with instructions to monitor him. When Zap (the cat) was still pretty young, he got out one night, got into a fight with something, hurt his back a bit, and got a small infection. So this seemed like par for the course. (His back has been fine for a long time, don't worry.) No big deal, right?
Except that this time, instead of getting better, Zap just stayed the same. Still sorta lethargic, still severely limping. When he hurt his back I was able to lift him under his front paws so that he was standing on his hind legs and walk him around like that to get his muscles working again. (His hind leg muscles had atrophied from disuse. He looked like a cat version of Joe Swanson.) Shane was amazed that I didn't get my face clawed off, but it worked.
I tried doing that a couple of weeks ago and nearly did get my face clawed off. My poor cat was obviously still in pain, still not doing well. He was still seeming lethargic, not his usual bouncy, curious, cat self. I told Shane that we needed to take Zap back to the vet but Shane just said, "Let's wait and see a little bit more."
Finally, last week I put my foot down and made an appointment. I had to make it for this week, when Shane would be home and I'd have a vehicle, but I was done waiting and seeing. Zap was making little noises of pain every time he jumped and still wasn't putting any weight on his rear left leg. He was still lethargic and quiet.
So we took him to the vet yesterday when I was done with work. Right from the start it was awful. We'd borrowed a cat carrier from friends. It was the same one L and I used last time we took the cat to the vet and, unfortunately, he recognized it. As soon as I pulled it out he got really low, stared at it for a second, and then tried to slink away quietly. Shane and I together couldn't force him into it (partly out of fear of hurting him more) and he wasn't going to allow himself to be quietly wrapped in a towel for the car ride. Shane finally pulled out the big dog kennel and I feel so bad because the cat saw it and went, "Safety!" and leapt into it. I tossed the towel in after him, we closed it, and took it out to the truck. He looked so betrayed.
Then he peed. And it got all over him on the short trip. Then it got all over me because I was the one who mostly held him, poor guy. I tried to make him feel safe.
The vet examined him and said that there was something moving which shouldn't be moving near his hip. So, X-rays. And a sedative for the X-rays. Poor Zap. Instead of his usual strident "MROOOOW!", when they were manipulating him for the X-rays all he could do to protest was a low "mmmrrrrrrrrr" noise. He couldn't move. I ended up holding him while we waited for the X-rays to develop, and while the vet saw another patient. I took the opportunity to weigh him (he hadn't been weighed since he was a kitten) and found out that even in his weakened state he weighed 16.5 lbs. I knew my cat was big! (The ideal weight for the average domestic cat is 8-10 lbs. 16.5 probably means that Zap has some Maine Coon in him, along with the strain of Russian Blue we already knew about.) No wonder he feels like he can take on the world.
The sedative made it so that he couldn't even lift his head. Any time I shifted his weight (I was holding him for about 20 minutes, after all) his head would fall to the side. It was heartbreaking. My cat also doesn't like being held for too long, generally, so while I enjoyed getting the snuggles it sort of added a whole new level of pathos to the whole situation.
The vet took one look at the X-rays and said, "Oh my gosh. Well, yep, that's the problem. I've never seen anything like it, though." The bit of bone which connects the hip ball to the rest of the femur was pretty much completely shattered.
That's the area there. The vet just kept saying how he'd never seen anything like it before and couldn't quite think of what would cause such an injury. His hip hadn't been dislocated, which in a way added to the mystery. What would cause such a catastrophic injury that wouldn't also get the hip ball? Since Zap was, once again, running a fever the vet speculated that perhaps there was some sort of bone infection, but we didn't run any tests for that. He's on more antibiotics and on kennel rest for one whole month. At the end of the month we'll take him back for more tests and X-rays. Fun, right?
When the vet said a whole month of kennel rest Shane said, "And are you willing to give us a month's worth of sedatives?" He was only half joking. We asked for ideas about how to keep him entertained and all the vet could really suggest was catnip. If anyone out there on the internets has ideas about how to keep a normally very active but caged cat entertained for a month, please let us know.
As if all of that trauma wasn't enough for my poor cat, as soon as we got home I had to give him a sponge bath to get the pee off of him. The poor guy tried to run out of the kennel but was still under the effect of the sedatives and his leg was really hurting so he couldn't really run. I had to corner him and listen to the most pitiful crying while I wiped him down with a damp towel.
The dog freaked out, not knowing what was going on, and wouldn't leave him alone in the kennel. At first it was funny, then it was just annoying. After I fed the cat the dog kept scratching at the door because she wanted his food.
And the kennel isn't going to be big enough. I know, the whole point is to keep him essentially immobilized. But this kennel is about the size of the tote we use just as his litter box. Putting a shoe box in there full of litter wasn't cutting it. He ended up pooping in his food bowl and then peeing all over himself again. Shane cleaned up the poo, I once again cleaned up the cat. The smell of the poop got to Shane, who threw up, and I got scratched by the cat. Everyone had a great time.
So when I'm done with work today, we're going to figure something else out to keep him in relative comfort. Something at least big enough for a litter box he can use. I might try to set it up by the windows, too, so that he can at least see what's going on outside. Maybe that will keep him from crying all day? That's all he did last night--cry and scratch at the door of the kennel. Shane said, "Well, at least we know what the saddest sound in the world is."
Our cat is still pretty young. He's only 4, and the average lifespan of a male domestic cat is 12-14 years. If he was older, I'm not sure what we'd do. But this is (hopefully) going to be worth it to save our young cat. Worst case scenario, a total hip replacement. Slightly better case scenario (and probably the most likely), he's crippled but mobile for the rest of his life. I'm not holding my breath for a full recovery, and I feel like the worst cat owner ever.
Probably the best decision we made last night was to not cook dinner. When we were still at the vet's I asked Shane, "How about we get takeout Thai food instead?" So Shane picked that up after dropping me and the cat at home, while I was trying to get the kennel somewhat comfortable and clean up the cat pee. I tried to be mad at myself over the garbage produced by getting takeout. Our Thai place uses plastic tubs and Styrofoam containers. But I was so drained by everything else that I thought of it and then mentally shrugged.
Every time Shane says, "This month is going to suck," all I can think is, "YOU'RE GOING TO BE GONE FOR THE NEXT TWO WEEKS! I'm going to be the one taking care of everything, it's going to suck for ME!" But I've managed not to say it...more than once. Yes, October is going to be long and it is going to be painful.
Adding to it all, I seem to be coming down with a cold. La vita e bella.
Except that this time, instead of getting better, Zap just stayed the same. Still sorta lethargic, still severely limping. When he hurt his back I was able to lift him under his front paws so that he was standing on his hind legs and walk him around like that to get his muscles working again. (His hind leg muscles had atrophied from disuse. He looked like a cat version of Joe Swanson.) Shane was amazed that I didn't get my face clawed off, but it worked.
I tried doing that a couple of weeks ago and nearly did get my face clawed off. My poor cat was obviously still in pain, still not doing well. He was still seeming lethargic, not his usual bouncy, curious, cat self. I told Shane that we needed to take Zap back to the vet but Shane just said, "Let's wait and see a little bit more."
Finally, last week I put my foot down and made an appointment. I had to make it for this week, when Shane would be home and I'd have a vehicle, but I was done waiting and seeing. Zap was making little noises of pain every time he jumped and still wasn't putting any weight on his rear left leg. He was still lethargic and quiet.
So we took him to the vet yesterday when I was done with work. Right from the start it was awful. We'd borrowed a cat carrier from friends. It was the same one L and I used last time we took the cat to the vet and, unfortunately, he recognized it. As soon as I pulled it out he got really low, stared at it for a second, and then tried to slink away quietly. Shane and I together couldn't force him into it (partly out of fear of hurting him more) and he wasn't going to allow himself to be quietly wrapped in a towel for the car ride. Shane finally pulled out the big dog kennel and I feel so bad because the cat saw it and went, "Safety!" and leapt into it. I tossed the towel in after him, we closed it, and took it out to the truck. He looked so betrayed.
Then he peed. And it got all over him on the short trip. Then it got all over me because I was the one who mostly held him, poor guy. I tried to make him feel safe.
The vet examined him and said that there was something moving which shouldn't be moving near his hip. So, X-rays. And a sedative for the X-rays. Poor Zap. Instead of his usual strident "MROOOOW!", when they were manipulating him for the X-rays all he could do to protest was a low "mmmrrrrrrrrr" noise. He couldn't move. I ended up holding him while we waited for the X-rays to develop, and while the vet saw another patient. I took the opportunity to weigh him (he hadn't been weighed since he was a kitten) and found out that even in his weakened state he weighed 16.5 lbs. I knew my cat was big! (The ideal weight for the average domestic cat is 8-10 lbs. 16.5 probably means that Zap has some Maine Coon in him, along with the strain of Russian Blue we already knew about.) No wonder he feels like he can take on the world.
The sedative made it so that he couldn't even lift his head. Any time I shifted his weight (I was holding him for about 20 minutes, after all) his head would fall to the side. It was heartbreaking. My cat also doesn't like being held for too long, generally, so while I enjoyed getting the snuggles it sort of added a whole new level of pathos to the whole situation.
The vet took one look at the X-rays and said, "Oh my gosh. Well, yep, that's the problem. I've never seen anything like it, though." The bit of bone which connects the hip ball to the rest of the femur was pretty much completely shattered.
When the vet said a whole month of kennel rest Shane said, "And are you willing to give us a month's worth of sedatives?" He was only half joking. We asked for ideas about how to keep him entertained and all the vet could really suggest was catnip. If anyone out there on the internets has ideas about how to keep a normally very active but caged cat entertained for a month, please let us know.
As if all of that trauma wasn't enough for my poor cat, as soon as we got home I had to give him a sponge bath to get the pee off of him. The poor guy tried to run out of the kennel but was still under the effect of the sedatives and his leg was really hurting so he couldn't really run. I had to corner him and listen to the most pitiful crying while I wiped him down with a damp towel.
The dog freaked out, not knowing what was going on, and wouldn't leave him alone in the kennel. At first it was funny, then it was just annoying. After I fed the cat the dog kept scratching at the door because she wanted his food.
And the kennel isn't going to be big enough. I know, the whole point is to keep him essentially immobilized. But this kennel is about the size of the tote we use just as his litter box. Putting a shoe box in there full of litter wasn't cutting it. He ended up pooping in his food bowl and then peeing all over himself again. Shane cleaned up the poo, I once again cleaned up the cat. The smell of the poop got to Shane, who threw up, and I got scratched by the cat. Everyone had a great time.
So when I'm done with work today, we're going to figure something else out to keep him in relative comfort. Something at least big enough for a litter box he can use. I might try to set it up by the windows, too, so that he can at least see what's going on outside. Maybe that will keep him from crying all day? That's all he did last night--cry and scratch at the door of the kennel. Shane said, "Well, at least we know what the saddest sound in the world is."
Our cat is still pretty young. He's only 4, and the average lifespan of a male domestic cat is 12-14 years. If he was older, I'm not sure what we'd do. But this is (hopefully) going to be worth it to save our young cat. Worst case scenario, a total hip replacement. Slightly better case scenario (and probably the most likely), he's crippled but mobile for the rest of his life. I'm not holding my breath for a full recovery, and I feel like the worst cat owner ever.
Probably the best decision we made last night was to not cook dinner. When we were still at the vet's I asked Shane, "How about we get takeout Thai food instead?" So Shane picked that up after dropping me and the cat at home, while I was trying to get the kennel somewhat comfortable and clean up the cat pee. I tried to be mad at myself over the garbage produced by getting takeout. Our Thai place uses plastic tubs and Styrofoam containers. But I was so drained by everything else that I thought of it and then mentally shrugged.
Every time Shane says, "This month is going to suck," all I can think is, "YOU'RE GOING TO BE GONE FOR THE NEXT TWO WEEKS! I'm going to be the one taking care of everything, it's going to suck for ME!" But I've managed not to say it...more than once. Yes, October is going to be long and it is going to be painful.
Adding to it all, I seem to be coming down with a cold. La vita e bella.
Monday, October 1, 2012
A little indulgence
Not to toot my own horn, but I have been super good lately about exercising. I've found a bunch of stuff on Pinterest to motivate me, and lots of new/old exercises to try. So, ok, I already knew how to do crunches and pushups, but I've pinned a few things to remind me that I actually need to do these things. It helps that I can already see a difference in myself, just from adding a little bit of weight training to my running.
As for the running, well. I don't think the dog quite knows what to do with herself now that she's getting to go for so many regular and tiring runs. I injured my knee well over a month ago--I'm still not sure what happened, except that running and long walks were the only things which bothered it, biking and even squats/lunges were fine--so I've been taking it sorta slow getting back into the routine. Also, it's chilly out and long runs just don't seem the most appealing. Add in the increasing darkness (which means more limited times in which I'm going to think, "Yeah! Running!") and we've been doing more smaller runs. However, I've upped the difficulty for myself to make up for the lack of hills and distance. We've started doing sprint intervals. You know, sprinting between two landmarks, then slowing back to a jog for a very short time, then sprinting again. This has been wearing both of us out extremely well. Pepper has been so tired that she can't even cause mischief when Shane is gone. (Most of the time.)
As if all this wasn't enough, I decided a few weeks ago to scale back my addiction to all things bread. I realized that it was my go-to snack, and my default food when I couldn't think of what else I wanted. I was eating something with bread (or bread with something else) for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. So I scaled it back a bit, and what bread-y stuff I have been eating has been almost entirely whole grain. (The few exceptions being things like the rolls I ate when friends invited me over to dinner, and a friend's 'going away party' cake.) Shane laughs at me because he has absolutely no problem not eating bread and pasta and all things carb-alicious. I do. It's been a conscious effort not to eat these things. Yesterday was the first time in over 3 weeks that I made bread, and that was so that I could finally make reuben sandwiches. (I made sauerkraut and it's ready to eat!) Just to be clear, I haven't gone Atkins, or Paleo, or even really low-carb. I'm just not overdosing myself on bread all the time.
So, after about a month of being very physically active, and eating well (I really do feel a difference) I just needed some sort of little indulgence the other night. Of course, my first thought was, "Cookies!" but not only did I not have all of the ingredients for pretty much any cookie recipe, I didn't want to eat an entire batch of cookies by myself. I didn't want to totally throw all of my efforts out the window (like I said, I do feel a difference) so I wanted to make it within my new parameters.
Usually, I try to save my preserved foods for after the snow falls. It's a little silly, but to me it doesn't feel like I should be breaking into my supplies when there's still plentiful stuff at the store. However, I didn't have a vehicle and really didn't feel like biking to the store. Also, there was snow in the forecast and the feel of snow in the air. Good enough for me. (We did get a light dusting of snow the next morning, but it was gone by the time I got out of bed.)
With autumn in the air and most of the summer fruits out of the store, I've mostly been eating vegetables and very, very little fruit over the past couple of weeks. (To be honest, I just haven't been feeling like it. Autumn doesn't feel like a season of peaches, so I don't want them anymore. Mostly) Pulling out some cherries and blueberries for a mini cobbler was an especial treat. It turned out so well! I didn't want to make a huge one, just enough for me (the Boy was gone for the evening) and just enough for one evening.
I made it in one of our 4-cup Pyrex storage containers (they're oven safe) and it was super easy.
Mini Cobbler
Approximately 3 cups of frozen cherries
About 1 cup frozen blueberries
1 tbsp corn starch
1/2 tsp cinnamon
A couple dashes of nutmeg
Combine in your baking vessel. This was enough to almost fill the Pyrex container, but it cooks down a lot, don't worry. Then combine (in a separate bowl):
1/2 cup oats
1/4 cup brown sugar (or, I suppose, honey or maple syrup would be good too)
Enough butter to make it all crumbly. (A couple of tablespoons.)
Pour that over the fruit, bake for about 20 minutes at 375. Let it cool a bit so that it's not the temperature of the sun when you bite into it, then enjoy.
You could almost certainly get two servings out of this, I was just greedy (and hungry) and I ate it all. :)
As for the running, well. I don't think the dog quite knows what to do with herself now that she's getting to go for so many regular and tiring runs. I injured my knee well over a month ago--I'm still not sure what happened, except that running and long walks were the only things which bothered it, biking and even squats/lunges were fine--so I've been taking it sorta slow getting back into the routine. Also, it's chilly out and long runs just don't seem the most appealing. Add in the increasing darkness (which means more limited times in which I'm going to think, "Yeah! Running!") and we've been doing more smaller runs. However, I've upped the difficulty for myself to make up for the lack of hills and distance. We've started doing sprint intervals. You know, sprinting between two landmarks, then slowing back to a jog for a very short time, then sprinting again. This has been wearing both of us out extremely well. Pepper has been so tired that she can't even cause mischief when Shane is gone. (Most of the time.)
As if all this wasn't enough, I decided a few weeks ago to scale back my addiction to all things bread. I realized that it was my go-to snack, and my default food when I couldn't think of what else I wanted. I was eating something with bread (or bread with something else) for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. So I scaled it back a bit, and what bread-y stuff I have been eating has been almost entirely whole grain. (The few exceptions being things like the rolls I ate when friends invited me over to dinner, and a friend's 'going away party' cake.) Shane laughs at me because he has absolutely no problem not eating bread and pasta and all things carb-alicious. I do. It's been a conscious effort not to eat these things. Yesterday was the first time in over 3 weeks that I made bread, and that was so that I could finally make reuben sandwiches. (I made sauerkraut and it's ready to eat!) Just to be clear, I haven't gone Atkins, or Paleo, or even really low-carb. I'm just not overdosing myself on bread all the time.
So, after about a month of being very physically active, and eating well (I really do feel a difference) I just needed some sort of little indulgence the other night. Of course, my first thought was, "Cookies!" but not only did I not have all of the ingredients for pretty much any cookie recipe, I didn't want to eat an entire batch of cookies by myself. I didn't want to totally throw all of my efforts out the window (like I said, I do feel a difference) so I wanted to make it within my new parameters.
Usually, I try to save my preserved foods for after the snow falls. It's a little silly, but to me it doesn't feel like I should be breaking into my supplies when there's still plentiful stuff at the store. However, I didn't have a vehicle and really didn't feel like biking to the store. Also, there was snow in the forecast and the feel of snow in the air. Good enough for me. (We did get a light dusting of snow the next morning, but it was gone by the time I got out of bed.)
With autumn in the air and most of the summer fruits out of the store, I've mostly been eating vegetables and very, very little fruit over the past couple of weeks. (To be honest, I just haven't been feeling like it. Autumn doesn't feel like a season of peaches, so I don't want them anymore. Mostly) Pulling out some cherries and blueberries for a mini cobbler was an especial treat. It turned out so well! I didn't want to make a huge one, just enough for me (the Boy was gone for the evening) and just enough for one evening.
I made it in one of our 4-cup Pyrex storage containers (they're oven safe) and it was super easy.
Mini Cobbler
Approximately 3 cups of frozen cherries
About 1 cup frozen blueberries
1 tbsp corn starch
1/2 tsp cinnamon
A couple dashes of nutmeg
Combine in your baking vessel. This was enough to almost fill the Pyrex container, but it cooks down a lot, don't worry. Then combine (in a separate bowl):
1/2 cup oats
1/4 cup brown sugar (or, I suppose, honey or maple syrup would be good too)
Enough butter to make it all crumbly. (A couple of tablespoons.)
Pour that over the fruit, bake for about 20 minutes at 375. Let it cool a bit so that it's not the temperature of the sun when you bite into it, then enjoy.
You could almost certainly get two servings out of this, I was just greedy (and hungry) and I ate it all. :)
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
High bush/low bush cranberries
Every time I think it's the last time I'll get to go berry picking for the season, another opportunity comes along and surprises me. On Sunday, I was invited to go cranberry picking with some friends. At her parent's house, Fiona was telling me that the leaves have fallen off the high bush cranberries which makes them both super easy to spot and to pick.
For those of you unfamiliar with them, high bush cranberries aren't at all like cranberries you find in the store. They look more like salmon eggs than they do low bush cranberries. They don't even taste much like low bush cranberries, either. They have a...well, I've heard it called a "muskiness", and that seems to be about accurate. They're also not as versatile. These aren't berries you really want to throw into pancakes or muffins. But they're still fruit, they're still very good for you, and there are plenty of things you can do with them. Fiona's mom was telling me about people she knows who make tasty juice from them (recipe at the bottom). I had dreams of making some sort of cranberry jelly for giving away to friends and family at Christmas, along with the fireweed jelly.
However, when we came across a giant patch of untouched low bush cranberries, I admit I jumped into it and almost completely ignored the high bush cranberries. Because they are more versatile, and they're both super tasty and super healthy. NOM. With a little bit of help from Fiona's mom, I picked almost a gallon of low bush cranberries before moving on and picking just a few high bush ones before we decided it was time to go. I didn't get nearly enough high bush berries to make jelly with. I might go back this weekend, or I might not. I haven't decided yet. The jelly idea is still very tempting.
I did end up getting more high bush cranberries than I managed to bring home, however. My friends were bringing their dogs out, so Pepper came along with us. For the most part she did her little security sweeps ("I gotta keep Mom safe!") and confusedly watched me picking berries. When the group moved on to a better high bush spot and I stayed with the low bush cranberries she got a little anxious. ("We're not with the group, Mom, what are you doing?!") But she did great. So when I picked about a handful of high bush cranberries and just set them on the lid (I didn't want to dig out the container for them at that moment), she ate them and I couldn't be upset about it. I just laughed and told her what a good dog she was. Honestly, I don't think she enjoyed them all that much. She seemed to have an attitude of, "Well, if you're picking them they must be worthwhile..."
So now I have a lot more cranberries in the freezer. I'm feeling pretty well stocked for winter. I didn't get to pick nearly as many berries as I wanted to, but I did all right. Combined with the store-bought fruit and my jars of rhubarb and applesauce, we have way more fruit put up this summer than we did last summer. Hooray!
High Bush Cranberry Juice:
Combine cranberries with about 1.5 times the amount of water. Add sugar or honey to taste. (If using sugar, probably about a 1:1 ratio with cranberries. If honey, a bit less.) Crush the berries a bit and mix. Leave in the refrigerator overnight, then strain out the berries the next day and enjoy.
For those of you unfamiliar with them, high bush cranberries aren't at all like cranberries you find in the store. They look more like salmon eggs than they do low bush cranberries. They don't even taste much like low bush cranberries, either. They have a...well, I've heard it called a "muskiness", and that seems to be about accurate. They're also not as versatile. These aren't berries you really want to throw into pancakes or muffins. But they're still fruit, they're still very good for you, and there are plenty of things you can do with them. Fiona's mom was telling me about people she knows who make tasty juice from them (recipe at the bottom). I had dreams of making some sort of cranberry jelly for giving away to friends and family at Christmas, along with the fireweed jelly.
However, when we came across a giant patch of untouched low bush cranberries, I admit I jumped into it and almost completely ignored the high bush cranberries. Because they are more versatile, and they're both super tasty and super healthy. NOM. With a little bit of help from Fiona's mom, I picked almost a gallon of low bush cranberries before moving on and picking just a few high bush ones before we decided it was time to go. I didn't get nearly enough high bush berries to make jelly with. I might go back this weekend, or I might not. I haven't decided yet. The jelly idea is still very tempting.
I did end up getting more high bush cranberries than I managed to bring home, however. My friends were bringing their dogs out, so Pepper came along with us. For the most part she did her little security sweeps ("I gotta keep Mom safe!") and confusedly watched me picking berries. When the group moved on to a better high bush spot and I stayed with the low bush cranberries she got a little anxious. ("We're not with the group, Mom, what are you doing?!") But she did great. So when I picked about a handful of high bush cranberries and just set them on the lid (I didn't want to dig out the container for them at that moment), she ate them and I couldn't be upset about it. I just laughed and told her what a good dog she was. Honestly, I don't think she enjoyed them all that much. She seemed to have an attitude of, "Well, if you're picking them they must be worthwhile..."
So now I have a lot more cranberries in the freezer. I'm feeling pretty well stocked for winter. I didn't get to pick nearly as many berries as I wanted to, but I did all right. Combined with the store-bought fruit and my jars of rhubarb and applesauce, we have way more fruit put up this summer than we did last summer. Hooray!
High Bush Cranberry Juice:
Combine cranberries with about 1.5 times the amount of water. Add sugar or honey to taste. (If using sugar, probably about a 1:1 ratio with cranberries. If honey, a bit less.) Crush the berries a bit and mix. Leave in the refrigerator overnight, then strain out the berries the next day and enjoy.
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Permanent Fund Dividend
This year's permanent fund dividend was announced the other day: $878. Amid all the cheering on Facebook, I seemed to be one of the only people who said anything negative about the amount. All I said was, "Ew," but immediately people commented with things like, "Well if you don't want it, I'll take it." One girl basically even told me that I'm supremely selfish for not celebrating my "free" money.
Frankly, I'm surprised. For one thing, this is, in fact, fairly low for the permanent fund. (Actually, the 9th lowest in 30 years of the PFD.) Yes, I do understand that it's based on 5-year averages of the stock market so right now we're paying for the lows of 2007-2009.
I winced at the amount not for myself, but because I know that there are other people out there who absolutely depend on their PFD. It's not a good thing, I wish people wouldn't or didn't have to. But nevertheless, there are. Especially the elderly and single parents. It costs a lot to heat homes here, and nearly as much to keep the power on. (Unlike other places, our friendly power company will shut off people's power in the winter.) I know there are people who wait until they get their PFD check before they get their winter's supply of oil to heat their homes. A smaller PFD means that they have less money with which to stay warm. I don't have to choose between heating my home and eating, but there are people who make that choice all the time here. Am I wrong to be sad for them that this year is going to suck?
Many, many people who don't need to depend on the permanent fund for immediate needs save their child's permanent fund for things like college. It's what both mine and Shane's parents did, it's what our friends are doing for their daughter, and it's what we plan to do when we have kids. So low permanent fund years not only affect people right now, it also affects the future of all these kids who are going to rely on it to either pay for school or to pay back their loans. That sucks. I hate the thought that money often holds people back from getting the education they want, or from choosing the school that they want.
The low permanent fund number doesn't just affect household budgets, though. For better or worse the PFD has become an integral part of our economy. There are businesses which rely on this time of year as much as they do Christmas shopping because it helps them to get through the next year. While I don't think the rampant consumerism is so great for people or for our state, I do understand that there are large economic ripples from having a smaller permanent fund. Even if it's not consumer goods, people might just have a little bit less money to go to the movies, to eat dinner at a restaurant, or to give to charities. All of these things have serious implications for our state, and it affects everyone. I don't know if anyone's done a study about this, but I would assume that lower permanent fund years mean lower employment as well.
As for what we're going to do with our $1756 (that's a much nicer number, both of ours together) we're putting it right into our house fund. That might seem like yet another selfish reason to want more money, and in some ways it is, but I don't live in a vacuum or a bubble. Our housing market around here never really dropped, as far as I can tell, so it won't live or die based on young couples like me and Shane being able to finally afford a home. A low permanent fund means that it will take us a little bit longer to save up for a home, but we know we'll get to that point eventually. However, opening our apartment will have more of an impact. For Fairbanks, for the size of our apartment and what we get, for being pet-friendly, for its location, our apartment is amazing. Add in our amazing landlord and our place rocks. Really, truly. The horror stories of apartment hunting in Fairbanks! One place has low rent, but doesn't allow pets. Another might allow pets but have a shite landlord. Another might be low rent and allow pets, but it's waaaaay out there. I've had friends who've moved 4 times in six months due to various reasons. I know people who've been looking for a pet-friendly apartment (not cabin) in their price range for almost a year now. There's a reason we've stayed here for almost 4 years: we know we have a sweetheart deal. Hopefully we'll be able to pass this place along to someone else who will take advantage of all its benefits (like the garden, like walking to the University, like being able to have pets). Having our apartment open up will help anywhere from 2-4 people who've been looking for something just like it. That might be a small impact in terms of the grand scheme of things, but it will matter to someone.
This also isn't "free" money, as most people think of it. It's money that the oil companies paid so that they're not the only ones profiting off of Alaska's oil and gas, so that everyone gets a share in the benefits. It's still, as far as I know, something completely unique and I think the people who came up with the idea deserve to have statues and monuments in their honor. It's awesome. I am and always will be grateful for what I get. But it's not "free" because we're giving up something in exchange for it. Those same oil and gas companies now have a lot of power in our state, and they're major players when it comes to state politics. Sometimes, I'd rather give back the permanent fund if it would mean that we wouldn't have the oil and gas companies paying for our politicians.
Other Alaskans, how are you feeling about this year's permanent fund? Unmitigated joy? Disappointment? Ambivalence?
Frankly, I'm surprised. For one thing, this is, in fact, fairly low for the permanent fund. (Actually, the 9th lowest in 30 years of the PFD.) Yes, I do understand that it's based on 5-year averages of the stock market so right now we're paying for the lows of 2007-2009.
I winced at the amount not for myself, but because I know that there are other people out there who absolutely depend on their PFD. It's not a good thing, I wish people wouldn't or didn't have to. But nevertheless, there are. Especially the elderly and single parents. It costs a lot to heat homes here, and nearly as much to keep the power on. (Unlike other places, our friendly power company will shut off people's power in the winter.) I know there are people who wait until they get their PFD check before they get their winter's supply of oil to heat their homes. A smaller PFD means that they have less money with which to stay warm. I don't have to choose between heating my home and eating, but there are people who make that choice all the time here. Am I wrong to be sad for them that this year is going to suck?
Many, many people who don't need to depend on the permanent fund for immediate needs save their child's permanent fund for things like college. It's what both mine and Shane's parents did, it's what our friends are doing for their daughter, and it's what we plan to do when we have kids. So low permanent fund years not only affect people right now, it also affects the future of all these kids who are going to rely on it to either pay for school or to pay back their loans. That sucks. I hate the thought that money often holds people back from getting the education they want, or from choosing the school that they want.
The low permanent fund number doesn't just affect household budgets, though. For better or worse the PFD has become an integral part of our economy. There are businesses which rely on this time of year as much as they do Christmas shopping because it helps them to get through the next year. While I don't think the rampant consumerism is so great for people or for our state, I do understand that there are large economic ripples from having a smaller permanent fund. Even if it's not consumer goods, people might just have a little bit less money to go to the movies, to eat dinner at a restaurant, or to give to charities. All of these things have serious implications for our state, and it affects everyone. I don't know if anyone's done a study about this, but I would assume that lower permanent fund years mean lower employment as well.
As for what we're going to do with our $1756 (that's a much nicer number, both of ours together) we're putting it right into our house fund. That might seem like yet another selfish reason to want more money, and in some ways it is, but I don't live in a vacuum or a bubble. Our housing market around here never really dropped, as far as I can tell, so it won't live or die based on young couples like me and Shane being able to finally afford a home. A low permanent fund means that it will take us a little bit longer to save up for a home, but we know we'll get to that point eventually. However, opening our apartment will have more of an impact. For Fairbanks, for the size of our apartment and what we get, for being pet-friendly, for its location, our apartment is amazing. Add in our amazing landlord and our place rocks. Really, truly. The horror stories of apartment hunting in Fairbanks! One place has low rent, but doesn't allow pets. Another might allow pets but have a shite landlord. Another might be low rent and allow pets, but it's waaaaay out there. I've had friends who've moved 4 times in six months due to various reasons. I know people who've been looking for a pet-friendly apartment (not cabin) in their price range for almost a year now. There's a reason we've stayed here for almost 4 years: we know we have a sweetheart deal. Hopefully we'll be able to pass this place along to someone else who will take advantage of all its benefits (like the garden, like walking to the University, like being able to have pets). Having our apartment open up will help anywhere from 2-4 people who've been looking for something just like it. That might be a small impact in terms of the grand scheme of things, but it will matter to someone.
This also isn't "free" money, as most people think of it. It's money that the oil companies paid so that they're not the only ones profiting off of Alaska's oil and gas, so that everyone gets a share in the benefits. It's still, as far as I know, something completely unique and I think the people who came up with the idea deserve to have statues and monuments in their honor. It's awesome. I am and always will be grateful for what I get. But it's not "free" because we're giving up something in exchange for it. Those same oil and gas companies now have a lot of power in our state, and they're major players when it comes to state politics. Sometimes, I'd rather give back the permanent fund if it would mean that we wouldn't have the oil and gas companies paying for our politicians.
Other Alaskans, how are you feeling about this year's permanent fund? Unmitigated joy? Disappointment? Ambivalence?
Food stamp challenge?
Katy at The Non-Consumer Advocate is doing a food stamp challenge, where people are trying to eat on a food stamp budget for one week. I have a love/hate relationship with these kinds of things because while I think it can be valuable for some people to truly understand how hard it can be to feed your family on such a small amount, only doing it for a week isn't really much of a challenge. People who are truly on food stamps eat like that every damn day, and doing something for a week and being proud of yourself is a little, well, insulting to them. Or am I reading too much into that?
I wasn't going to participate. Mostly because I didn't want to bother calculating out what we have on hand and how much those ingredients cost (hmmm...one cup of bulk oats is .X pounds, which works out to this many cents!) and figuring out whether "free" food should count. We have tons of wild salmon in our freezer: if I eat one of those, do we have to calculate the cost of buying it (ridiculously expensive) or is it allowed because it's free?
However, I did find out some neat facts about poverty and benefits in our state. Like the fact that, as students, Shane and I were eligible for SNAP benefits. (I thought at the time that we might be, but I knew we'd be ok so I consciously didn't look it up. I'd rather that money go to people who really do need it.) Also, if I had been participating in this challenge then the weekly allotment for two people in AK (for me and the Boy) would be just over $91--$367 divided by 4 weeks. (Katy's figure was $122/week for a family of four, but that's in Oregon.) A family of four in Alaska gets about $167/week--$668 divided by four weeks.
Despite my intention not to participate in this, however, I accidentally made the decision not to go to the grocery store at all this week. (Yes, accidentally.) When Shane was home we were so busy that when we went to the grocery store, twice, we never actually got more than what we needed for a meal or two. So I didn't stock up on groceries the way I intended. Now we either have to bike (something I'd have to do by myself, since the Boy doesn't have a bike here) or walk. Even having the grocery store so (relatively) close by, I hate making mid-week shopping trips. So I decided not to. We have plenty of food in our house, just not what I was intending to make. So I changed meal plans around to suit what we do have, and left out ingredients we've run out of (like onions). The only thing we've bought was the gallon of milk the Boy grabbed from the corner store. (That kid drinks so much milk!) And we've been totally fine. In fact, despite my fears that we'd eat fewer vegetables I think we've actually been eating more because I've been so conscious about it.
I did open up one of my applesauces yesterday. I feel a bit bad about breaking into my stash of local, preserved food since it hasn't even snowed yet. But oh well. The food is there for eating, it doesn't really matter if I eat it now or later.
And I got a message from my MIL. They got a moose! Now we just need to figure out how to get the moose meat all the way up here. Perhaps I can convince them to travel up here for a few days? Then they could bring some more potatoes, too. I really thought my potatoes would probably last us the whole winter but it turns out we've been eating a lot of potatoes lately! We've eaten about 1/3 of our stash already. Whoops!
I wasn't going to participate. Mostly because I didn't want to bother calculating out what we have on hand and how much those ingredients cost (hmmm...one cup of bulk oats is .X pounds, which works out to this many cents!) and figuring out whether "free" food should count. We have tons of wild salmon in our freezer: if I eat one of those, do we have to calculate the cost of buying it (ridiculously expensive) or is it allowed because it's free?
However, I did find out some neat facts about poverty and benefits in our state. Like the fact that, as students, Shane and I were eligible for SNAP benefits. (I thought at the time that we might be, but I knew we'd be ok so I consciously didn't look it up. I'd rather that money go to people who really do need it.) Also, if I had been participating in this challenge then the weekly allotment for two people in AK (for me and the Boy) would be just over $91--$367 divided by 4 weeks. (Katy's figure was $122/week for a family of four, but that's in Oregon.) A family of four in Alaska gets about $167/week--$668 divided by four weeks.
Despite my intention not to participate in this, however, I accidentally made the decision not to go to the grocery store at all this week. (Yes, accidentally.) When Shane was home we were so busy that when we went to the grocery store, twice, we never actually got more than what we needed for a meal or two. So I didn't stock up on groceries the way I intended. Now we either have to bike (something I'd have to do by myself, since the Boy doesn't have a bike here) or walk. Even having the grocery store so (relatively) close by, I hate making mid-week shopping trips. So I decided not to. We have plenty of food in our house, just not what I was intending to make. So I changed meal plans around to suit what we do have, and left out ingredients we've run out of (like onions). The only thing we've bought was the gallon of milk the Boy grabbed from the corner store. (That kid drinks so much milk!) And we've been totally fine. In fact, despite my fears that we'd eat fewer vegetables I think we've actually been eating more because I've been so conscious about it.
I did open up one of my applesauces yesterday. I feel a bit bad about breaking into my stash of local, preserved food since it hasn't even snowed yet. But oh well. The food is there for eating, it doesn't really matter if I eat it now or later.
And I got a message from my MIL. They got a moose! Now we just need to figure out how to get the moose meat all the way up here. Perhaps I can convince them to travel up here for a few days? Then they could bring some more potatoes, too. I really thought my potatoes would probably last us the whole winter but it turns out we've been eating a lot of potatoes lately! We've eaten about 1/3 of our stash already. Whoops!
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