I've now reached 28 weeks of pregnancy, which is the start of the third trimester. I'm getting huge. Like, hippopotamus huge, at least in the middle. Seriously. I found the picture I took at week 18, then compared it to the one I took yesterday. I'm about twice as big as I was. And it's making things more difficult, there's no doubt about it. I count the small victories now, such as being able to put on my own socks. Shaving my legs. Grabbing a bowl from a high cabinet. (You'd be amazed how much a baby belly gets in the way of that last one, especially if you're short like me.) I'm taking solace in these small victories because, really, that's what I have left to hang onto as I go into the home stretch. As easy as my pregnancy has been, I can't wait to get my body back. I don't mean my figure, I mean my body. It really does feel sometimes as if I've been invaded by a little parasite which has taken over. It's making my body do strange things which I have no control over. I want to feel like me again.
I do have a couple of large victories, however, that surpass all the others: at 28 weeks, I'm still using walking and biking as my main forms of transportation. Yes, it's getting harder. But not as bad as I feared, at least for walking. I honestly thought that biking would be a bit easier but it's the little things which I didn't anticipate that are turning out to be the biggest problems. Such as the fact that my bike is made for me to lean forward. Normally, this is quite comfortable. Now, however, it makes me feel like I'm being slowly suffocated because my belly pushes up and cramps my lungs even more. So I spend a lot of time with just my fingers gripping the bike handles, palms pushed away to give me just a little bit of extra room. It's either that or lower my bike seat, which would make pedaling that much harder, because my handlebars don't move.
I'm also paranoid about my safety when it comes to biking. I'll see a bump in the bike path and end up thinking, "If I got tossed off my bike there, I would almost certainly land there, and at the very least it would break my arm...." A bit of this is because my balance is off (that tends to happen when your center of gravity suddenly shifts) so I need to assess risks in a different way, but also partly because I understand how bad a fall would be for both of us right now. It's the constant knowledge that my safety means her safety too.
Finally, the biggest challenge is simply to not overdo things. I'm used to having a certain amount of stamina, to doing a lot in a day and not having it really slow me down. I can't do that anymore. I spent Saturday in a flurry of activity: getting chores done around the house, running errands with a friend, yoga, taking the dog for a walk, biking first to a restaurant and then to a friend's house for birthday celebrations, and not biking home until around 1a.m. Even though I got a lot of deep sleep that night (I slept until 10:00), and despite taking naps on both Saturday and Sunday, I spent all of Sunday feeling sluggish. I just didn't want to do anything. Other than taking the dog for a short walk (about ten minutes) and finishing filling the dishwasher, I really didn't do anything all day except lie around and read. Even so, the exhaustion has carried over into today. Although, that might be more because the dog kept waking me up last night than for any other reason.
I am pleased by what I got accomplished on Saturday, though. Among other things, I froze some more local food for winter. I bought two bunches of celery at the farmer's market (comparable prices, better taste, compared to store-bought) on Saturday morning so those got chopped up, blanched, and frozen. This makes life so much easier over the winter. When we need celery, rather than buying one bunch from the store (which will most likely start to go bad before it gets used anyway) we can just dump what we need straight from the freezer bag into the dish. I'll do the same thing with carrots (there weren't many at the market yet) and combine the two in a few cases so that I have what I call my mirepoix starter kit. A little work now to reduce stress and work in the future. I know we'll be especially glad of this once baby arrives.
I also bought two large zucchinis, adding them to the one L gave me on Friday evening, so that I can shred and freeze those in 1 cup portions. It's crazy to me that I actually had to buy zucchini this year, for the first time in four years. But you do what you gotta do. My own squash plants are just starting to put things out, just in time for the frosts to start. (Any day now.) I've got one itty bitty pumpkin, one small zucchini, and three small yellow squashes all just starting. I think I'll move them all inside after the first frost, so that I can at least get my small harvest of them.
Monday, August 19, 2013
Tuesday, August 13, 2013
Land of Fire and Ice
My eldest brother, who lives in the L.A. area, keeps joking that living in Fairbanks is a little like living in George R.R. Martin's series "Song of Ice and Fire" (otherwise known as "Game of Thrones"). We do definitely go to the extremes, with an annual temperature swing of 140+ degrees (F). Frequently the summers, such as this one, are smoky. And the motto of pretty much everyone is, of course, that winter is coming. We spend all summer gearing up for the long, cold winters. Outside to do things, of course, but also to soak up the necessary vitamin D and to enjoy the sun while we can so that the winter doesn't seem quite so cold and dark. When I pick berries, it is with the knowledge that the season for them is so short and I need to get as many as I can to stock up for winter. I'm not alone in this.
This summer has been unusual, it's not just in my head. We've easily broken the old record for 80+ degree days (at least 36), when the average summer only has 11 such days. It's still smoky and the fires are flaring up with the lack of rain. (Over 2 inches less than normal.) The Tanana Valley Fair was in town and the old joke here is that fair weather means rain. Well, this year that wasn't the case. We haven't gotten any noticeable rainfall (a few drops here and there, but that's it) in what is usually the wettest summer month.
This is good in one way, because the family friends who've needed help creating a fire break around their property still need help. So Shane's been spending his afternoons up in the hills, helping to cut down, limb, and stack trees. He's not making the big bucks doing this, of course, but enough to pay for our most recent trip to Wasilla (for a kick-ass wedding!) and, soon, the snow tires we'll need for our car. I asked him how much more work he thinks is left and he said, "Probably they could keep me working until the snow falls." Ah. Well, it's good. Beyond the financial aspect, I can tell that Shane is much happier simply because he feels useful and productive again.
And now, the leaves are starting to change. It feels early to me, but I don't think that it actually is. I think that we're all a little confused by it, however, simply because it is still so hot during the day. It gets a bit chilly at night, but the days are scorching.
And now, we're even making plans to head down to the Mat-Su Valley once again to go to the state fair in Palmer over labor day weekend, with family. My first inclination was to be like, "Traveling, again? No." But to see family, it is worth it, even when I'll be 7 1/2 months pregnant at that point. I'm trying to remember that I feel extra tired right now both because it was a crazy week at work (which I don't want to go into, but I've never been so stressed out by work before) and because I'm getting over a cold. I blame Shane. He got sick first, then I got sick. I never got so ill that I felt the need to take time off work, but that was partly because I felt sickest over the weekend. Which, thankfully, gave me the time I needed to be super lazy and to recover. (I have a dr.'s appointment this week, anyway, so I'm sure I'll get checked out rather thoroughly then.) I made chicken noodle soup and we watched an entire season of a TV show online, and generally just took it easy.
The only thing we did over the weekend was to go to the Tanana Valley Fair on Sunday evening. We biked over to avoid paying for parking, then spent way too much money anyway on greasy, yummy fair food. We only go once a year, we figured (this was before the plans for the state fair), so it was worth it. And I discovered that my baby belly now sticks out far enough that drips and dribbles of food which would normally fall in front of me now land right on my abdomen. I had both gyro grease and blueberry stains from a crepe all over my shirt by the time we biked home. I regret nothing.
We saw "Goat Rodeo" in the list of activities and were super excited until a friend informed us that it was actually a one man band, not a rodeo. We were so hoping to see people roping goats. (Not raping goats, although that's not too far off the mark of what apparently did happen at the fair. Go Fairbanks.)
The next couple of months are going to be just as busy as the rest of the summer has been. Gearing up for birthday parties, the trip down to Palmer at the beginning of next month, and then the following weekend will be my baby shower, complete with a visit from my MIL. It will be fun, but I'm a bit tired just thinking about it all. I still have so many of my own projects that I've been wanting to get done that I have to work on. I did, finally, spend an evening cutting up an old flannel top sheet for reusable baby wipes, the draft dodgers I want to make for under the doors, and a rice heating pad for my aching back. However, when I tried to use my serger something went wrong. I must have threaded it wrong, but I'm not certain how. So I'll have to ask my MIL when she's here.
We're getting to the point in pregnancy where I think it's ok to start stocking up on some things. Our Fred Meyer rewards came in the mail (almost $10 off!) and some coupons, and a $150 gift card from a work program, so I'll stop there after my appointment later this week to grab some things off my list, like oats and dates and pasta and sticky hooks to hang curtains. I know I've mentioned this before but we're going to make and freeze as many meals and snacks as possible before Baby's arrival so that it's one less thing to worry about when we bring home our tiny new person. I still have all those craft and decorating projects I wanted to do as well, and organizing projects. Some deep cleaning of our apartment. (Heck, at the moment I'd settle for minimal cleaning of our apartment. With both of us being laid low for most of a week, and the traveling before that, our place looks like a bit of a dump.) I'm so behind. It will feel nice to make some progress on this stuff, finally. I've been putting it off for so long, not because I'm lazy but because I've prioritized other things. Now that I'm entering my third trimester, however, it feels just a bit more urgent to get things settled and ready for Baby.
Actually, I've got plenty of baby items on the list as well. A nasal syringe, thermometer, diaper cream, etc. Things that people say, "Oh, go ahead and register for that!" but I'd feel silly actually registering for. Seriously, a $1 bulb syringe? Baby nail clippers? They sell those in kits but all of the kits I saw looked cheap and had extra stuff that I didn't really see the point of. (And yes, that is after doing research about what kinds of health/safety items we really do need. I won't be leaving off my list things which will actually make a difference to my child's health and wellbeing.)
As strange as it seems, I'm a bit excited to buy these things. Not the purchasing itself, but the fact that we're getting so close to actually meeting her. I realized a few weeks ago that I'm not scared of labor, which I know a lot of women are. The knowledge is rather liberating.
This summer has been unusual, it's not just in my head. We've easily broken the old record for 80+ degree days (at least 36), when the average summer only has 11 such days. It's still smoky and the fires are flaring up with the lack of rain. (Over 2 inches less than normal.) The Tanana Valley Fair was in town and the old joke here is that fair weather means rain. Well, this year that wasn't the case. We haven't gotten any noticeable rainfall (a few drops here and there, but that's it) in what is usually the wettest summer month.
This is good in one way, because the family friends who've needed help creating a fire break around their property still need help. So Shane's been spending his afternoons up in the hills, helping to cut down, limb, and stack trees. He's not making the big bucks doing this, of course, but enough to pay for our most recent trip to Wasilla (for a kick-ass wedding!) and, soon, the snow tires we'll need for our car. I asked him how much more work he thinks is left and he said, "Probably they could keep me working until the snow falls." Ah. Well, it's good. Beyond the financial aspect, I can tell that Shane is much happier simply because he feels useful and productive again.
And now, the leaves are starting to change. It feels early to me, but I don't think that it actually is. I think that we're all a little confused by it, however, simply because it is still so hot during the day. It gets a bit chilly at night, but the days are scorching.
And now, we're even making plans to head down to the Mat-Su Valley once again to go to the state fair in Palmer over labor day weekend, with family. My first inclination was to be like, "Traveling, again? No." But to see family, it is worth it, even when I'll be 7 1/2 months pregnant at that point. I'm trying to remember that I feel extra tired right now both because it was a crazy week at work (which I don't want to go into, but I've never been so stressed out by work before) and because I'm getting over a cold. I blame Shane. He got sick first, then I got sick. I never got so ill that I felt the need to take time off work, but that was partly because I felt sickest over the weekend. Which, thankfully, gave me the time I needed to be super lazy and to recover. (I have a dr.'s appointment this week, anyway, so I'm sure I'll get checked out rather thoroughly then.) I made chicken noodle soup and we watched an entire season of a TV show online, and generally just took it easy.
The only thing we did over the weekend was to go to the Tanana Valley Fair on Sunday evening. We biked over to avoid paying for parking, then spent way too much money anyway on greasy, yummy fair food. We only go once a year, we figured (this was before the plans for the state fair), so it was worth it. And I discovered that my baby belly now sticks out far enough that drips and dribbles of food which would normally fall in front of me now land right on my abdomen. I had both gyro grease and blueberry stains from a crepe all over my shirt by the time we biked home. I regret nothing.
We saw "Goat Rodeo" in the list of activities and were super excited until a friend informed us that it was actually a one man band, not a rodeo. We were so hoping to see people roping goats. (Not raping goats, although that's not too far off the mark of what apparently did happen at the fair. Go Fairbanks.)
The next couple of months are going to be just as busy as the rest of the summer has been. Gearing up for birthday parties, the trip down to Palmer at the beginning of next month, and then the following weekend will be my baby shower, complete with a visit from my MIL. It will be fun, but I'm a bit tired just thinking about it all. I still have so many of my own projects that I've been wanting to get done that I have to work on. I did, finally, spend an evening cutting up an old flannel top sheet for reusable baby wipes, the draft dodgers I want to make for under the doors, and a rice heating pad for my aching back. However, when I tried to use my serger something went wrong. I must have threaded it wrong, but I'm not certain how. So I'll have to ask my MIL when she's here.
We're getting to the point in pregnancy where I think it's ok to start stocking up on some things. Our Fred Meyer rewards came in the mail (almost $10 off!) and some coupons, and a $150 gift card from a work program, so I'll stop there after my appointment later this week to grab some things off my list, like oats and dates and pasta and sticky hooks to hang curtains. I know I've mentioned this before but we're going to make and freeze as many meals and snacks as possible before Baby's arrival so that it's one less thing to worry about when we bring home our tiny new person. I still have all those craft and decorating projects I wanted to do as well, and organizing projects. Some deep cleaning of our apartment. (Heck, at the moment I'd settle for minimal cleaning of our apartment. With both of us being laid low for most of a week, and the traveling before that, our place looks like a bit of a dump.) I'm so behind. It will feel nice to make some progress on this stuff, finally. I've been putting it off for so long, not because I'm lazy but because I've prioritized other things. Now that I'm entering my third trimester, however, it feels just a bit more urgent to get things settled and ready for Baby.
Actually, I've got plenty of baby items on the list as well. A nasal syringe, thermometer, diaper cream, etc. Things that people say, "Oh, go ahead and register for that!" but I'd feel silly actually registering for. Seriously, a $1 bulb syringe? Baby nail clippers? They sell those in kits but all of the kits I saw looked cheap and had extra stuff that I didn't really see the point of. (And yes, that is after doing research about what kinds of health/safety items we really do need. I won't be leaving off my list things which will actually make a difference to my child's health and wellbeing.)
As strange as it seems, I'm a bit excited to buy these things. Not the purchasing itself, but the fact that we're getting so close to actually meeting her. I realized a few weeks ago that I'm not scared of labor, which I know a lot of women are. The knowledge is rather liberating.
Monday, August 5, 2013
Enjoying summer
It feels like I've spent most of the summer complaining about it being summer. It was too hot, the mosquitoes sucked, it was smokey, blah blah blah. And it was all true, and it was annoying. However, now that we're in the slow descent toward autumn I'm finally getting a chance to enjoy summer. Weird, I know. It's not as hot, the bugs aren't as atrocious, and most of the smokiness is gone, though.
I've gone berry picking twice with friends, netting about a gallon and a half of blueberries and a cup or so of raspberries. So far. We're definitely going to be doing more berry picking before the season ends, so I'm happy. A freezer full of yummy local berries sounds heavenly, doesn't it?
We bought some (non-organic) blueberries at Fred's the other day because they were ridiculously on sale. After eating a few of them, having gone berrying the day before and eating a few of those berries, it reminded me of exactly why I think that the local berries are so incredibly superior. Sure, they're much smaller. They stain your hands. They can be rather tart. But the cultivated berries are missing one major thing: flavor. I ate a handful and wondered, why on earth did I ever enjoy store-bought blueberries? They're watery little bits of nothing in blue skin. Compared to the wild berries I'd been picking and eating, they were completely tasteless. Even when I put them into some pancakes, they just didn't taste like anything. We'll freeze what we have left of them for winter, and I'm certain we'll make things with them, but I'm just as certain that they'll be the last berries to go. We'll all pout when we finish the local berries. Which, really, is just more impetus for me to pick as many as possible. Can I get three gallons? Four? We'll see.
We had another trip down to Wasilla for another wedding, and it was wonderful. Great friends, great party, ecstatic bride and groom. What more could you ask for? It was at the bride's family's farm, so the setting was gorgeous. I always forget how much I miss the mountains until I'm in the Mat-Su Valley and they're right there. (Alaska says no to foothills. It's just mountains looming all around, looking imposing and impressive and gorgeous. It's the one thing about the Valley that I love.) Shane and I actually helped out quite a bit, trying to get it ready. When there was nothing else for me to do, a few times I ended up holding babies to help out their parents, who were in the wedding party or were in charge of someone in the wedding party, like the flower girl's mom. I feel a little silly, because at one point I ended up taking a nap on the couch in the house of these people I'd never met before, but I'm pretty sure everyone was sympathetic to that. (Who's going to wake up a pregnant woman?)
The one thing which I didn't like about the weekend is that we drove. so. freaking. much. Wasilla is set up horribly. It's so spread out that even if we'd brought our bikes down we would have spent much of the time driving because it just would have taken too long to get anywhere otherwise. We drove into Anchorage to help ferry supplies, like the alcohol (four kegs--we had only one and the wine in our vehicle) and food supplies (a family friend, who's a chef, did the catering, so they bought a lot of the supplies at Costco). We ended up making a trip to Value Village on Saturday morning because Shane's dress pants were from high school and while they're still plenty nice, they're a little tight in the waist. (Good guy husband--keeps himself in shape and can still fit into high school clothes a decade later.) We found a new (to us) pair of khakis and I even got to browse the baby girl outfits. Shane surprised me by holding up a dress and saying, "Um...this is really adorable. Can we get it?" A blue plaid jumper for a 1-year-old, for $1.99. Yep, we bought it. It just charmed the hell out of me to see my husband, who usually hates this kind of thing, looking hopeful over buying a dress for his baby girl.
The wedding itself was perfect. Oh, there were moments, as at every wedding. The ring bearer decided that he didn't want to walk sedately down the aisle, so he took off running out into the field (don't worry, he didn't actually have the rings) and the flower girl saw all the crowds and froze for about five minutes while her mom tried to coax her down the aisle. A plane flew overhead after the vows so we heard nothing until suddenly, "...man and wife. You may kiss your bride." But it was still lovely. And the party afterward was fantastic. We danced, we ate cake, we laughed and had a great time. There was beer-in-hand kickball (it was even fun just to be a spectator), pony rides for kids, board games, beer pong with a wine cork instead of a ping pong ball, and much merriment. I've been to weddings which were as good before, but none better.
Though it was an option, we decided not to camp out on the lawn that night. It was rainy, we would have had to set up the tent in the dark, and I didn't have a pillow. Instead, we stayed at our friend's parents' house. So nice of them to let us crash there!
But that missed camping opportunity, and the pictures of the bachelor party (which was a camp-out) really, really make me want to go camping. So we're hoping to get people together to go camping in a couple of weekends, before it gets too cold. We even want to combine it with both a birthday celebration and berry picking. If we can pull it off, it will be such a good time.
As I walked to work this morning, I got the "end of summer" vibe. It must have been the angle of the light, which really isn't that much different than it was last week. But combined with the chill in the air (I was still wearing a sleeveless blouse, so just a chill) it made me realize that autumn is rapidly approaching. I'm excited for it, as I always am. Autumn is my favorite season. And of course, this year I have even more to look forward to. So I'm not unhappy about summer ending, but I am trying to squeeze in as much summer activity as I can before it all winds down.
I've gone berry picking twice with friends, netting about a gallon and a half of blueberries and a cup or so of raspberries. So far. We're definitely going to be doing more berry picking before the season ends, so I'm happy. A freezer full of yummy local berries sounds heavenly, doesn't it?
We bought some (non-organic) blueberries at Fred's the other day because they were ridiculously on sale. After eating a few of them, having gone berrying the day before and eating a few of those berries, it reminded me of exactly why I think that the local berries are so incredibly superior. Sure, they're much smaller. They stain your hands. They can be rather tart. But the cultivated berries are missing one major thing: flavor. I ate a handful and wondered, why on earth did I ever enjoy store-bought blueberries? They're watery little bits of nothing in blue skin. Compared to the wild berries I'd been picking and eating, they were completely tasteless. Even when I put them into some pancakes, they just didn't taste like anything. We'll freeze what we have left of them for winter, and I'm certain we'll make things with them, but I'm just as certain that they'll be the last berries to go. We'll all pout when we finish the local berries. Which, really, is just more impetus for me to pick as many as possible. Can I get three gallons? Four? We'll see.
We had another trip down to Wasilla for another wedding, and it was wonderful. Great friends, great party, ecstatic bride and groom. What more could you ask for? It was at the bride's family's farm, so the setting was gorgeous. I always forget how much I miss the mountains until I'm in the Mat-Su Valley and they're right there. (Alaska says no to foothills. It's just mountains looming all around, looking imposing and impressive and gorgeous. It's the one thing about the Valley that I love.) Shane and I actually helped out quite a bit, trying to get it ready. When there was nothing else for me to do, a few times I ended up holding babies to help out their parents, who were in the wedding party or were in charge of someone in the wedding party, like the flower girl's mom. I feel a little silly, because at one point I ended up taking a nap on the couch in the house of these people I'd never met before, but I'm pretty sure everyone was sympathetic to that. (Who's going to wake up a pregnant woman?)
The one thing which I didn't like about the weekend is that we drove. so. freaking. much. Wasilla is set up horribly. It's so spread out that even if we'd brought our bikes down we would have spent much of the time driving because it just would have taken too long to get anywhere otherwise. We drove into Anchorage to help ferry supplies, like the alcohol (four kegs--we had only one and the wine in our vehicle) and food supplies (a family friend, who's a chef, did the catering, so they bought a lot of the supplies at Costco). We ended up making a trip to Value Village on Saturday morning because Shane's dress pants were from high school and while they're still plenty nice, they're a little tight in the waist. (Good guy husband--keeps himself in shape and can still fit into high school clothes a decade later.) We found a new (to us) pair of khakis and I even got to browse the baby girl outfits. Shane surprised me by holding up a dress and saying, "Um...this is really adorable. Can we get it?" A blue plaid jumper for a 1-year-old, for $1.99. Yep, we bought it. It just charmed the hell out of me to see my husband, who usually hates this kind of thing, looking hopeful over buying a dress for his baby girl.
The wedding itself was perfect. Oh, there were moments, as at every wedding. The ring bearer decided that he didn't want to walk sedately down the aisle, so he took off running out into the field (don't worry, he didn't actually have the rings) and the flower girl saw all the crowds and froze for about five minutes while her mom tried to coax her down the aisle. A plane flew overhead after the vows so we heard nothing until suddenly, "...man and wife. You may kiss your bride." But it was still lovely. And the party afterward was fantastic. We danced, we ate cake, we laughed and had a great time. There was beer-in-hand kickball (it was even fun just to be a spectator), pony rides for kids, board games, beer pong with a wine cork instead of a ping pong ball, and much merriment. I've been to weddings which were as good before, but none better.
Though it was an option, we decided not to camp out on the lawn that night. It was rainy, we would have had to set up the tent in the dark, and I didn't have a pillow. Instead, we stayed at our friend's parents' house. So nice of them to let us crash there!
But that missed camping opportunity, and the pictures of the bachelor party (which was a camp-out) really, really make me want to go camping. So we're hoping to get people together to go camping in a couple of weekends, before it gets too cold. We even want to combine it with both a birthday celebration and berry picking. If we can pull it off, it will be such a good time.
As I walked to work this morning, I got the "end of summer" vibe. It must have been the angle of the light, which really isn't that much different than it was last week. But combined with the chill in the air (I was still wearing a sleeveless blouse, so just a chill) it made me realize that autumn is rapidly approaching. I'm excited for it, as I always am. Autumn is my favorite season. And of course, this year I have even more to look forward to. So I'm not unhappy about summer ending, but I am trying to squeeze in as much summer activity as I can before it all winds down.
Monday, July 15, 2013
Who says pregnancy makes you emotional?
Have you heard of that website, Reasons My Son is Crying? I've been thinking lately that Shane could start a similar one, reasons my pregnant wife is crying. I'm told this is quite common among pregnant women. When we were in Wasilla, Shane's cousin and I laughed about some of the things she cried about during her first two pregnancies. Her husband joked that he didn't realize dish soap commercials were so emotionally laden before.
Honestly, my emotions have felt rather steady. For the most part. I'm just a little bit more prone to tears. So I've been reading the news a bit less, never sure what will set me off. Shane, thankfully, usually hasn't been around for the crying jags I have had, and he's done his best to ignore the ones he has seen. When I'm quietly snuffling because of my book, he politely pretends that I'm behaving completely rationally.
There are some things which I can admit, even while I'm crying, are thoroughly stupid to cry about. Sometimes I don't even know why I'm crying, but it feels damn good to get it out so I just go with it. So, in the interest of letting other pregnant women know they're not alone in their tears, and giving everyone else a good laugh, here are a few of the things I've cried about recently:
The secondary character in my book who was dying of cancer finally died. Of cancer.
I saw a picture of a wedding dress on Pinterest (which looked nothing like mine and, actually, I thought was rather ugly) and it made me remember my own wedding day. I didn't cry on my wedding day, but damn if I didn't cry over the memory of how happy it was.
I read a story in which a mother disowned her son for being gay. I wondered how any parent, ever, could do that to their child and sobbed my heart out. I kept whispering to my belly that I will love her no matter who she is.
And now I'm crying over that one again.
I realized that one day my daughter will tell me, and think that she means it, that she hates me. Then I remembered the times I told my own mother I hated her and cried even harder. Then I simply cried because I missed my mom. (This was before they visited.)
I cried because time goes so fast, and before I know it I'll be sending my baby off to college, or off to travel the world by herself. Then I laughed because I haven't even birthed this child yet, but I still couldn't stop crying so I was both laughing at myself and crying.
I cried because my dog won't live forever.
I cried because my husband is wonderful and I'm so happy with him. Seriously. I think he'd done the dishes or something silly like that, and it moved me to tears.
My all-time favorite, however, happened a few weekends ago. Shane was doing some maintenance on his computer so he turned on "Finding Nemo" on his laptop. He fell asleep in his computer chair at some point, then woke up enough about an hour later to stumble into bed. (A grand total of about one foot. It was quite the feat, I'm sure.) Anyway, "Finding Nemo" was still playing, looped, on the laptop when I woke up. So I made myself some breakfast and took it back to the bedroom to watch the tail end of the movie. (Get it? Tail end? So bad.) Shane woke up to the sounds of me weeping uncontrollably and asked, "What's wrong?" I managed, between sobs, to stammer out, "D-Dory's missing!!" Ever the gentleman, Shane did his best to muffle his laughter in his pillow, but seeing him laugh made me laugh too and, once again, I couldn't stop crying while I was laughing so it was a bizarre combination of the two.
I should also add, in case you were wondering, that I am not a pretty crier. I don't get cute. My face contorts like an Olympic gymnast and I get red-rimmed eyes, tear stains, and blotchy cheeks. My nose runs, then stuffs up so I spend the next half hour sniffling. When I say these things have made me cry, I mean that I cried. No adorable couple of tears slipping down my cheeks like in a movie.
So the next time you need a good laugh, go ahead and imagine what I'll cry about next. I'll probably end up laughing about whatever it is myself, even before the crying has stopped.
Honestly, my emotions have felt rather steady. For the most part. I'm just a little bit more prone to tears. So I've been reading the news a bit less, never sure what will set me off. Shane, thankfully, usually hasn't been around for the crying jags I have had, and he's done his best to ignore the ones he has seen. When I'm quietly snuffling because of my book, he politely pretends that I'm behaving completely rationally.
There are some things which I can admit, even while I'm crying, are thoroughly stupid to cry about. Sometimes I don't even know why I'm crying, but it feels damn good to get it out so I just go with it. So, in the interest of letting other pregnant women know they're not alone in their tears, and giving everyone else a good laugh, here are a few of the things I've cried about recently:
The secondary character in my book who was dying of cancer finally died. Of cancer.
I saw a picture of a wedding dress on Pinterest (which looked nothing like mine and, actually, I thought was rather ugly) and it made me remember my own wedding day. I didn't cry on my wedding day, but damn if I didn't cry over the memory of how happy it was.
I read a story in which a mother disowned her son for being gay. I wondered how any parent, ever, could do that to their child and sobbed my heart out. I kept whispering to my belly that I will love her no matter who she is.
And now I'm crying over that one again.
I realized that one day my daughter will tell me, and think that she means it, that she hates me. Then I remembered the times I told my own mother I hated her and cried even harder. Then I simply cried because I missed my mom. (This was before they visited.)
I cried because time goes so fast, and before I know it I'll be sending my baby off to college, or off to travel the world by herself. Then I laughed because I haven't even birthed this child yet, but I still couldn't stop crying so I was both laughing at myself and crying.
I cried because my dog won't live forever.
I cried because my husband is wonderful and I'm so happy with him. Seriously. I think he'd done the dishes or something silly like that, and it moved me to tears.
My all-time favorite, however, happened a few weekends ago. Shane was doing some maintenance on his computer so he turned on "Finding Nemo" on his laptop. He fell asleep in his computer chair at some point, then woke up enough about an hour later to stumble into bed. (A grand total of about one foot. It was quite the feat, I'm sure.) Anyway, "Finding Nemo" was still playing, looped, on the laptop when I woke up. So I made myself some breakfast and took it back to the bedroom to watch the tail end of the movie. (Get it? Tail end? So bad.) Shane woke up to the sounds of me weeping uncontrollably and asked, "What's wrong?" I managed, between sobs, to stammer out, "D-Dory's missing!!" Ever the gentleman, Shane did his best to muffle his laughter in his pillow, but seeing him laugh made me laugh too and, once again, I couldn't stop crying while I was laughing so it was a bizarre combination of the two.
I should also add, in case you were wondering, that I am not a pretty crier. I don't get cute. My face contorts like an Olympic gymnast and I get red-rimmed eyes, tear stains, and blotchy cheeks. My nose runs, then stuffs up so I spend the next half hour sniffling. When I say these things have made me cry, I mean that I cried. No adorable couple of tears slipping down my cheeks like in a movie.
So the next time you need a good laugh, go ahead and imagine what I'll cry about next. I'll probably end up laughing about whatever it is myself, even before the crying has stopped.
Thursday, July 11, 2013
Everything else
It's been a fun and busy few weeks, hence the lack of posts. We went to a wedding in Wasilla (staying for free in my in-laws' motorhome), and my parents came up for nearly a week, both to visit us and to celebrate the wedding of two of their college friends. (Cute story, the couple dated in college, broke up soon after because he wanted to leave the state, and then met again last year and fell back in love so they got married.) In between these events, I spent a few days frantically cleaning my apartment, both to make it presentable to my parents and because my dad is allergic to cats, so I did my best to get rid of as much cat dander as possible. (It seems to have worked. He sneezed a lot but his eyes didn't itch, and the sneezing might also have been caused by the smoke.)
Ah, the smoke. We've been keeping an eye on the reports about the Stuart Creek fire, just out of town. Not only has it been blowing clouds of smoke into habited areas, it actually caused a temporary evacuation before they started getting it under control. Thankfully, we've had some rainy, wet weather which has been helping the firefighters. It's still almost 85,000 acres on fire, but the weather is helping to keep it from spreading toward homes.
And, it's sent a small boon our way. Some family friends live in the hills, not anywhere too close to the fire (they didn't have to evacuate) but they can see it and theirs is a very woodsy area. It got them thinking about what their fire danger is so they wanted to make a fire break. Unfortunately, they're an older couple and the wife is in poor health so she can't do much. So they hired Shane and another friend of ours to work on clearing out a bunch of the black spruce around their property. They're not clearcutting, but they're thinning it out both to make it less likely to be eaten up by a fire and more palatable to firefighters, should they be needed. As Kathy pointed out, "After the incident in Arizona, I can't blame them for being wary. And they'd take one look at our property and say that there's no way they're coming out here just for one structure." It's just been a couple of afternoons of work so far, but they're going to re-assess over the weekend--they have family visiting right now--and then see what other help they'll need from Shane next week. (Am I a bad person for hoping that they'll need at least a week's help more?) As for the trees, anything which can be used for firewood will be (the other guy working on this is going to haul most of it home) and some of the logs have big burls on them, so it was suggested that those get sold to the Alaskan Bowl Company or another local artisan. So they're being cut down, but they're not being wasted.
This isn't the only odd job that has come Shane's way recently, either. My boss retired and immediately after, she and her husband packed up and left the state to be closer to their kids. They called on Shane to help with the packing up, which worked out well for everyone. We're not making boatloads of money off these jobs, of course, but any little bit helps.
My odd jobs, however, disappeared. I was hoping to do the summer opera ('Carmen'), which pays a decent amount for the work they ask. At least, for music in Fairbanks it pays well. (And really, half the point is that I get to play my violin, the money is just extra.) But that fell through, due to the wedding in Wasilla and a few other factors. Even worse, I just found out that the fall FLOT show will be starting November 15th. Since my due date is the 11th, there's no way I can do this show ("Willy Wonka and the Choclate Factory"). I'll still get to play, hopefully (I can do the Fairbanks Symphony, depending on the concert dates) but I won't get paid and, darn it, I love doing the FLOT shows! Missing out on one is disappointing. I do have a wedding which I'll be playing for (and probably getting paid a few dollars for), so the music season isn't a total monetary loss for me yet.
If those are my only real complaints, though, it should show you that life is pretty good right now. Shane's summer class started, so he's got more to keep himself busy these days. I hate how he gets when he's jobless because not doing anything just makes him grumpy and irritable. I understand it, to a certain extent. He gets bored and lonely being at home all day with no one but the pets for company. Hunting for jobs is boring and annoying, and being rejected for job after job is disheartening. He's still applying to new positions, of course, but the pickings are slim right now, which adds to the frustration. Having even small things, such as his class and the odd jobs, helps a lot. I'm glad, for both of us, that he's got plenty to do right now.
As for me, I'm mostly in good spirits. At 22 weeks I'm starting to feel quite large. And apparently looking it, too, enough for the FedEx guy who delivers to work to feel confident enough to ask me when the baby's due. (I told Shane this and he said, "Bold move, sir!") For the record, the delivery guy said November 13th. I kinda hope he's right, since that would mean I'd only be two days overdue. :)
I'm still trying to enjoy most of this, or at least look at it clinically. My stomach is big enough to be getting in the way, which is both funny and depressing. I'm finding it hard to do small things like put on my own socks. (For shoes, I've been wearing slip-ons.) I weighed myself again after several weeks of forgetting to, and saw a number on the scale much larger than anything I've ever seen before. Even knowing that I'm gaining the proper amount of weight and not extra, it still made me want to cry. Then again, lots of things make me want to cry lately.
I have had a number of people tell me that I look great, which helps. And when I actually see myself naked in the mirror, I end up thinking, "Really, I'm not that big." I just feel like I am. My belly button is just on the edge of being an outie, but isn't there yet. My balance doesn't seem to be too far off yet, and I think the yoga is helping me with that. However, it does seem as if my walk to work is getting harder by the day. Getting up the hill is a supreme effort of will, and people look at me with a mixture of pity and awe when I make it to the top, sweating and panting. My stamina is so bad right now that, the last time I took the dog on what used to be our medium length walk on a weekday evening, I came home and told Shane, "That can only be a weekend walk from now on. It's too much, when I've already spent over an hour walking earlier today." And then I collapsed onto the bed and didn't move for a while.
I am totally nesting. Mentally planning, preparing for what's to come and all of the changes. Trying to figure out even more ways to spend less money, to make things out of what I already have and just to, you know, prep the nest. I started reading Dr. Sears's "The Baby Book", and although I was leery when starting it I'm actually rather enjoying it. They do advocate attachment parenting, but everything comes with, "Of course, every baby, parent, and family is different so if this doesn't work for you, don't do it." It's not only backed up with anecdotes but with science. And there's a good dose of relationship advice, too, for how to deal with the changes a baby introduces to a marriage (or a partnership, or whatever) and how to deal with some of the conflicts that naturally occur. I don't expect Shane to read it, but some of it would be helpful for him so I've been passing along things that I think he'd appreciate knowing. The fact that there is so much geared toward fathers, and that so much of the book focuses not just on what the mother could/should be doing but also on possible roles for the father is great. So many new parent books completely ignore the dad, and Dr. Sears says straight out that fathers have a different, but just as important role, from the mother. I really, really want Shane to understand that. I'm terrified that I'm going to make him feel inadequate, or that I'm going to take over everything and make him feel left out, both of which are quite common for new moms. I have grand plans for things like leaving Baby with Shane in the evenings and taking the dog for a short one-on-one walk, but who knows what my feelings will be after Baby is actually here? Will I get possessive of her? Will I get bossy (which I tend to do) and know-it-all-y? Shane doesn't have much experience with kids or babies, but I have lots thanks to my years as a babysitter and nanny. So I hope I keep all of this in mind and that I don't push my husband away when he's learning his role as Dad. I think the biggest thing which will help me is just that I am as excited about seeing him morph into his role as a dad as I am about meeting our baby. I know he'll be a great father, no matter what.
And there I go, starting to tear up again. Dammit.
Ah, the smoke. We've been keeping an eye on the reports about the Stuart Creek fire, just out of town. Not only has it been blowing clouds of smoke into habited areas, it actually caused a temporary evacuation before they started getting it under control. Thankfully, we've had some rainy, wet weather which has been helping the firefighters. It's still almost 85,000 acres on fire, but the weather is helping to keep it from spreading toward homes.
And, it's sent a small boon our way. Some family friends live in the hills, not anywhere too close to the fire (they didn't have to evacuate) but they can see it and theirs is a very woodsy area. It got them thinking about what their fire danger is so they wanted to make a fire break. Unfortunately, they're an older couple and the wife is in poor health so she can't do much. So they hired Shane and another friend of ours to work on clearing out a bunch of the black spruce around their property. They're not clearcutting, but they're thinning it out both to make it less likely to be eaten up by a fire and more palatable to firefighters, should they be needed. As Kathy pointed out, "After the incident in Arizona, I can't blame them for being wary. And they'd take one look at our property and say that there's no way they're coming out here just for one structure." It's just been a couple of afternoons of work so far, but they're going to re-assess over the weekend--they have family visiting right now--and then see what other help they'll need from Shane next week. (Am I a bad person for hoping that they'll need at least a week's help more?) As for the trees, anything which can be used for firewood will be (the other guy working on this is going to haul most of it home) and some of the logs have big burls on them, so it was suggested that those get sold to the Alaskan Bowl Company or another local artisan. So they're being cut down, but they're not being wasted.
This isn't the only odd job that has come Shane's way recently, either. My boss retired and immediately after, she and her husband packed up and left the state to be closer to their kids. They called on Shane to help with the packing up, which worked out well for everyone. We're not making boatloads of money off these jobs, of course, but any little bit helps.
My odd jobs, however, disappeared. I was hoping to do the summer opera ('Carmen'), which pays a decent amount for the work they ask. At least, for music in Fairbanks it pays well. (And really, half the point is that I get to play my violin, the money is just extra.) But that fell through, due to the wedding in Wasilla and a few other factors. Even worse, I just found out that the fall FLOT show will be starting November 15th. Since my due date is the 11th, there's no way I can do this show ("Willy Wonka and the Choclate Factory"). I'll still get to play, hopefully (I can do the Fairbanks Symphony, depending on the concert dates) but I won't get paid and, darn it, I love doing the FLOT shows! Missing out on one is disappointing. I do have a wedding which I'll be playing for (and probably getting paid a few dollars for), so the music season isn't a total monetary loss for me yet.
If those are my only real complaints, though, it should show you that life is pretty good right now. Shane's summer class started, so he's got more to keep himself busy these days. I hate how he gets when he's jobless because not doing anything just makes him grumpy and irritable. I understand it, to a certain extent. He gets bored and lonely being at home all day with no one but the pets for company. Hunting for jobs is boring and annoying, and being rejected for job after job is disheartening. He's still applying to new positions, of course, but the pickings are slim right now, which adds to the frustration. Having even small things, such as his class and the odd jobs, helps a lot. I'm glad, for both of us, that he's got plenty to do right now.
As for me, I'm mostly in good spirits. At 22 weeks I'm starting to feel quite large. And apparently looking it, too, enough for the FedEx guy who delivers to work to feel confident enough to ask me when the baby's due. (I told Shane this and he said, "Bold move, sir!") For the record, the delivery guy said November 13th. I kinda hope he's right, since that would mean I'd only be two days overdue. :)
I'm still trying to enjoy most of this, or at least look at it clinically. My stomach is big enough to be getting in the way, which is both funny and depressing. I'm finding it hard to do small things like put on my own socks. (For shoes, I've been wearing slip-ons.) I weighed myself again after several weeks of forgetting to, and saw a number on the scale much larger than anything I've ever seen before. Even knowing that I'm gaining the proper amount of weight and not extra, it still made me want to cry. Then again, lots of things make me want to cry lately.
I have had a number of people tell me that I look great, which helps. And when I actually see myself naked in the mirror, I end up thinking, "Really, I'm not that big." I just feel like I am. My belly button is just on the edge of being an outie, but isn't there yet. My balance doesn't seem to be too far off yet, and I think the yoga is helping me with that. However, it does seem as if my walk to work is getting harder by the day. Getting up the hill is a supreme effort of will, and people look at me with a mixture of pity and awe when I make it to the top, sweating and panting. My stamina is so bad right now that, the last time I took the dog on what used to be our medium length walk on a weekday evening, I came home and told Shane, "That can only be a weekend walk from now on. It's too much, when I've already spent over an hour walking earlier today." And then I collapsed onto the bed and didn't move for a while.
I am totally nesting. Mentally planning, preparing for what's to come and all of the changes. Trying to figure out even more ways to spend less money, to make things out of what I already have and just to, you know, prep the nest. I started reading Dr. Sears's "The Baby Book", and although I was leery when starting it I'm actually rather enjoying it. They do advocate attachment parenting, but everything comes with, "Of course, every baby, parent, and family is different so if this doesn't work for you, don't do it." It's not only backed up with anecdotes but with science. And there's a good dose of relationship advice, too, for how to deal with the changes a baby introduces to a marriage (or a partnership, or whatever) and how to deal with some of the conflicts that naturally occur. I don't expect Shane to read it, but some of it would be helpful for him so I've been passing along things that I think he'd appreciate knowing. The fact that there is so much geared toward fathers, and that so much of the book focuses not just on what the mother could/should be doing but also on possible roles for the father is great. So many new parent books completely ignore the dad, and Dr. Sears says straight out that fathers have a different, but just as important role, from the mother. I really, really want Shane to understand that. I'm terrified that I'm going to make him feel inadequate, or that I'm going to take over everything and make him feel left out, both of which are quite common for new moms. I have grand plans for things like leaving Baby with Shane in the evenings and taking the dog for a short one-on-one walk, but who knows what my feelings will be after Baby is actually here? Will I get possessive of her? Will I get bossy (which I tend to do) and know-it-all-y? Shane doesn't have much experience with kids or babies, but I have lots thanks to my years as a babysitter and nanny. So I hope I keep all of this in mind and that I don't push my husband away when he's learning his role as Dad. I think the biggest thing which will help me is just that I am as excited about seeing him morph into his role as a dad as I am about meeting our baby. I know he'll be a great father, no matter what.
And there I go, starting to tear up again. Dammit.
Making room for baby, i.e. nesting Fairbanks style
Oh my gosh, the endless lists of "must haves" for Baby. Some of them are great, some of them are totally ridiculous. I'll never understand why a changing table is on so many "must have" lists. It's safer and, frankly, easier to change a kid on a mat on the floor or the bed or the couch or wherever you happen to be. Even more ridiculous, a "wipe warmer"--because you simply can't swab your baby's butt with wipes which haven't been heated up first.
However, there are, of course, necessities which Baby must have. Some of these things are even more urgent because of where we live and when she'll be born. A November baby in Fairbanks? I feel a little crazy for doing that. It could very well be -40 by the time she arrives. (Of course, being Fairbanks, it would probably warm up to near 0F soon after, then back down to -40, then hover around -15F, and all in under a week.) Some of the things I see on baby lists make me laugh. "You don't really need more than 3-4 sleeping outfits, and maybe 1-2 hats." HA! That's what Baby is going to LIVE in for the first few months! Onesies will strictly be under-clothes, as another layer to help keep her warm.
It might seem crazy, or paranoid, that I'm thinking so much about how to keep her warm. Keep her inside, you might be thinking. Well, in the winter our apartment doesn't stay that warm. It's old, it's very drafty. The thermostat might say 70F, but away from the thermometer who knows what the temp really is? Sometimes, probably closer to 60F in the bedrooms. So my biggest concern is how to keep Baby warm enough. She can't have blankets to sleep with at first, because they're a health hazard. I would let her sleep in our bed, but we have the pets who also sleep in our bed (and kicking them out now would cause other problems) plus all the blankets which we sleep with. (There was a case of SIDS in my family--not my generation, but a sibling of one of my parents--and it has always terrified me. So I've been reading as much as I can about it and risk factors for it. It helps me worry less.) Since babies can't really regulate their temperature well, keeping her warm is a priority.
So we have stuff that can be ignored, but some still needs to be obtained. That will be fine, we'll figure it all out. Then the problem is, where to put it? And, how do you do all of this on what is, essentially, a negative budget? (Money for this will have to come out of savings.) In a small apartment (I almost said "tiny", but that's not strictly true--our cabin was much smaller--but the bedrooms are tiny so it feels like less space) where will she fit? Accommodations will have to be made in some things, such as needing more storage space for all of the new stuff we'll have to have. I'm not even talking toys, I mean clothes and cloth diapers and such. Books. Bottles, when I go back to work. (And a freaking breast pump. Not looking forward to that.) Heck, even just toiletries (like baby nail clippers and diaper rash cream) and towel space in the (itty-bitty) bathroom. And, doing all of this in a rental where I'd really rather not put holes in the walls, where we can't change too much to suit us better.
So I've been looking around our apartment with a very critical eye. More decluttering! More cleanup! Finding space wherever possible and thinking about how we can rearrange things to work better for our new circumstances. As stupid as it sounds, Baby will be living out of our closet for a while. There are no doors on it (and, honestly, no space for doors) so we'll hang a couple of curtains for darkness (using sticky hooks and a long, thin dowel) and she'll be both easily accessible and we won't have to worry too much about doing things to wake her up, like turning on a lamp. (Most winter evenings, we hang out in the bedroom together anyway, so we'll be right there if she needs anything.)
This also means that we need to clean out our closet. The clothes are no problem, we've already done that. But our closet is stuffed with my craft supplies, mostly yarn. Half-finished projects abound. So one of my goals for the summer is to complete many of those half-finished projects, if only to get them out of the way. I've already started on a couple, and for some I need to buy a few other things before I can finish them, but it shouldn't cost too much.
I think I'm going to be buying a lot of those sticky hooks soon. In addition to the curtains over the closet, I was also going to get enough stuff to put curtains up over our back door (which we can actually feel the heat leaving through around the edges during the winters) and some for the bathroom, to utilize what is currently empty wall space. I have plans, and hopefully pictures will follow soon.
We're not doing much with the spare bedroom right now (other than continuing to declutter and organize--that's where Shane's crap is in boxes and he needs to clean them out) because we'll have family visiting a bunch during the first few months of Baby's life. My parents will be here for at least a week, Shane's parents (and possibly grandfather) will be here for a short time (although not staying with us, since the visits will coincide), and I'm hoping that my brother will come up for a bit toward the end of my maternity leave. After family visits, then we'll talk about turning it into a nursery. We'll sell the queen sized bed that's currently in it, get a better crib (more on what we've got now below), and it should be about that time (4-5 months?) that it's less urgent to have her in the room with us all the time.
I'm slowly identifying our "must haves" and narrowing down the list to specific products that I think will work for us. Because so many family members have asked about it, Shane and I are capitulating and coming up with a baby gift registry. (I'm sort of ambivalent about things like baby showers--not comfortable being the center of attention like that, but understanding that other people are excited as well and want to show their love for us and for Baby. And, honestly, a registry means less stuff for us to buy and it means we get what we need, not crazy crap that we don't have room for.) For instance, an Ergo Baby carrier, which my parents have generously (super generously) said that they wanted to get for us. I did a bunch of research about carriers and decided on this one because it's got the proper seating for Baby (some can cause hip dysplasia), because it has a nice hip strap so that Shane and I don't kill our backs using it, and because of the heavy weight limit, meaning that we'll use it for many years. I already know from my years as a nanny that I love baby carriers (so handy) and really, for our climate, it will be so much more useful than a stroller or even a jogger. Who wants to push one of those through the snow? And, it would be too cold for Baby to go out in one of those during the winter. With a carrier I can snuggle her up to me, under my coat (but with plenty of breathing room, don't worry--no zipping it all the way to the top or anything stupid like that) and take both her and the dog for walks. Even better, since carrying a baby burns more calories than pushing a stroller, it will help me get back in shape that much faster.
We already have a cradle (which my MIL bought for us, and which will fit nicely in the closet), and people have gifted us so many things already. J & L, who are having a boy this time around, gave us a whole load of baby clothes which they deemed too girly to re-use for #2. I sorted them into piles by size last night and we should have plenty of baby clothes up until about 6-9 months. Even then, one of my cousins recently had a baby girl and she has offered to send stuff up to us. At the very least, she's sending a few more maternity clothes and newborn cloth diapers which her little girl has already grown out of. Since her family lives in Texas she was worried that clothes for her girl probably wouldn't work for us (summer baby in Texas to winter baby in Fairbanks? probably not) but 6-9 months is probably about the size our two climates will converge so she'll send up those baby clothes. Because people have been so eager to buy things for us, and give away old baby things they don't need anymore, we haven't had to buy a single thing for baby so far except some of my maternity clothes. We even already have two sizes of snowsuits (courtesy of my MIL) so she'll stay nice and warm all winter when we go out. (Seriously, these remind me of the little brother in "A Christmas Story"'s suit. "I can't put my arms down!" And me being me, she'll probably have four layers on underneath anyway.) I am so, so grateful for everyone's generosity.
Lastly, I am, of course, trying to figure out what I can make that we will need. Things for the apartment (like an actual bumper under the door to keep the heat loss to a minimum, rather than just a towel), and things for baby (hats! sweaters! cloth butt wipes! changing pads so she doesn't pee all over the floor or bed!), and things for myself. And doing all of this on my $0 budget. I've got old sheets which I can cut up for some things (a flannel top sheet--the bottom sheet got torn to shreds years ago--which can be made into said butt wipes and part of the changing pads, a random pillow case which can be made into the door bumper, etc.) and for others I will have to stretch our budget to make room for a few (mostly used) materials. I have a bit of an idea on making a nursing top or two for myself, using parts of clothes I already have but can't really wear anymore. (Thanks, cat, for putting holes in the boobs of my t-shirts.) It's an experiment, so we'll see how it works out, but if not then it's not a loss anyway. What am I losing, a shirt which can't be worn and can't be donated? Oh no!
The one thing that I feel the most pressure about now is time. It's running out rapidly, and while in some ways I am starting to feel like being pregnant is taking forever, I do know that November is going to be here in what will later feel like the blink of an eye. I have so much to do between now and then! I'm starting to resent the time I have to be at work because it feels totally useless. There are so many more practical things I could be doing with my time, rather than sitting at a desk! As well as time, though, there's also my energy levels to think of. It's waaaay better than the first trimester, but I'm still needing more time to sleep than I normally do, and I tire easily. So we'll see how much I manage to get done. If I do get these projects completed, I might actually remember to take pictures to share. Hopefully.
However, there are, of course, necessities which Baby must have. Some of these things are even more urgent because of where we live and when she'll be born. A November baby in Fairbanks? I feel a little crazy for doing that. It could very well be -40 by the time she arrives. (Of course, being Fairbanks, it would probably warm up to near 0F soon after, then back down to -40, then hover around -15F, and all in under a week.) Some of the things I see on baby lists make me laugh. "You don't really need more than 3-4 sleeping outfits, and maybe 1-2 hats." HA! That's what Baby is going to LIVE in for the first few months! Onesies will strictly be under-clothes, as another layer to help keep her warm.
It might seem crazy, or paranoid, that I'm thinking so much about how to keep her warm. Keep her inside, you might be thinking. Well, in the winter our apartment doesn't stay that warm. It's old, it's very drafty. The thermostat might say 70F, but away from the thermometer who knows what the temp really is? Sometimes, probably closer to 60F in the bedrooms. So my biggest concern is how to keep Baby warm enough. She can't have blankets to sleep with at first, because they're a health hazard. I would let her sleep in our bed, but we have the pets who also sleep in our bed (and kicking them out now would cause other problems) plus all the blankets which we sleep with. (There was a case of SIDS in my family--not my generation, but a sibling of one of my parents--and it has always terrified me. So I've been reading as much as I can about it and risk factors for it. It helps me worry less.) Since babies can't really regulate their temperature well, keeping her warm is a priority.
So we have stuff that can be ignored, but some still needs to be obtained. That will be fine, we'll figure it all out. Then the problem is, where to put it? And, how do you do all of this on what is, essentially, a negative budget? (Money for this will have to come out of savings.) In a small apartment (I almost said "tiny", but that's not strictly true--our cabin was much smaller--but the bedrooms are tiny so it feels like less space) where will she fit? Accommodations will have to be made in some things, such as needing more storage space for all of the new stuff we'll have to have. I'm not even talking toys, I mean clothes and cloth diapers and such. Books. Bottles, when I go back to work. (And a freaking breast pump. Not looking forward to that.) Heck, even just toiletries (like baby nail clippers and diaper rash cream) and towel space in the (itty-bitty) bathroom. And, doing all of this in a rental where I'd really rather not put holes in the walls, where we can't change too much to suit us better.
So I've been looking around our apartment with a very critical eye. More decluttering! More cleanup! Finding space wherever possible and thinking about how we can rearrange things to work better for our new circumstances. As stupid as it sounds, Baby will be living out of our closet for a while. There are no doors on it (and, honestly, no space for doors) so we'll hang a couple of curtains for darkness (using sticky hooks and a long, thin dowel) and she'll be both easily accessible and we won't have to worry too much about doing things to wake her up, like turning on a lamp. (Most winter evenings, we hang out in the bedroom together anyway, so we'll be right there if she needs anything.)
This also means that we need to clean out our closet. The clothes are no problem, we've already done that. But our closet is stuffed with my craft supplies, mostly yarn. Half-finished projects abound. So one of my goals for the summer is to complete many of those half-finished projects, if only to get them out of the way. I've already started on a couple, and for some I need to buy a few other things before I can finish them, but it shouldn't cost too much.
I think I'm going to be buying a lot of those sticky hooks soon. In addition to the curtains over the closet, I was also going to get enough stuff to put curtains up over our back door (which we can actually feel the heat leaving through around the edges during the winters) and some for the bathroom, to utilize what is currently empty wall space. I have plans, and hopefully pictures will follow soon.
We're not doing much with the spare bedroom right now (other than continuing to declutter and organize--that's where Shane's crap is in boxes and he needs to clean them out) because we'll have family visiting a bunch during the first few months of Baby's life. My parents will be here for at least a week, Shane's parents (and possibly grandfather) will be here for a short time (although not staying with us, since the visits will coincide), and I'm hoping that my brother will come up for a bit toward the end of my maternity leave. After family visits, then we'll talk about turning it into a nursery. We'll sell the queen sized bed that's currently in it, get a better crib (more on what we've got now below), and it should be about that time (4-5 months?) that it's less urgent to have her in the room with us all the time.
I'm slowly identifying our "must haves" and narrowing down the list to specific products that I think will work for us. Because so many family members have asked about it, Shane and I are capitulating and coming up with a baby gift registry. (I'm sort of ambivalent about things like baby showers--not comfortable being the center of attention like that, but understanding that other people are excited as well and want to show their love for us and for Baby. And, honestly, a registry means less stuff for us to buy and it means we get what we need, not crazy crap that we don't have room for.) For instance, an Ergo Baby carrier, which my parents have generously (super generously) said that they wanted to get for us. I did a bunch of research about carriers and decided on this one because it's got the proper seating for Baby (some can cause hip dysplasia), because it has a nice hip strap so that Shane and I don't kill our backs using it, and because of the heavy weight limit, meaning that we'll use it for many years. I already know from my years as a nanny that I love baby carriers (so handy) and really, for our climate, it will be so much more useful than a stroller or even a jogger. Who wants to push one of those through the snow? And, it would be too cold for Baby to go out in one of those during the winter. With a carrier I can snuggle her up to me, under my coat (but with plenty of breathing room, don't worry--no zipping it all the way to the top or anything stupid like that) and take both her and the dog for walks. Even better, since carrying a baby burns more calories than pushing a stroller, it will help me get back in shape that much faster.
We already have a cradle (which my MIL bought for us, and which will fit nicely in the closet), and people have gifted us so many things already. J & L, who are having a boy this time around, gave us a whole load of baby clothes which they deemed too girly to re-use for #2. I sorted them into piles by size last night and we should have plenty of baby clothes up until about 6-9 months. Even then, one of my cousins recently had a baby girl and she has offered to send stuff up to us. At the very least, she's sending a few more maternity clothes and newborn cloth diapers which her little girl has already grown out of. Since her family lives in Texas she was worried that clothes for her girl probably wouldn't work for us (summer baby in Texas to winter baby in Fairbanks? probably not) but 6-9 months is probably about the size our two climates will converge so she'll send up those baby clothes. Because people have been so eager to buy things for us, and give away old baby things they don't need anymore, we haven't had to buy a single thing for baby so far except some of my maternity clothes. We even already have two sizes of snowsuits (courtesy of my MIL) so she'll stay nice and warm all winter when we go out. (Seriously, these remind me of the little brother in "A Christmas Story"'s suit. "I can't put my arms down!" And me being me, she'll probably have four layers on underneath anyway.) I am so, so grateful for everyone's generosity.
Lastly, I am, of course, trying to figure out what I can make that we will need. Things for the apartment (like an actual bumper under the door to keep the heat loss to a minimum, rather than just a towel), and things for baby (hats! sweaters! cloth butt wipes! changing pads so she doesn't pee all over the floor or bed!), and things for myself. And doing all of this on my $0 budget. I've got old sheets which I can cut up for some things (a flannel top sheet--the bottom sheet got torn to shreds years ago--which can be made into said butt wipes and part of the changing pads, a random pillow case which can be made into the door bumper, etc.) and for others I will have to stretch our budget to make room for a few (mostly used) materials. I have a bit of an idea on making a nursing top or two for myself, using parts of clothes I already have but can't really wear anymore. (Thanks, cat, for putting holes in the boobs of my t-shirts.) It's an experiment, so we'll see how it works out, but if not then it's not a loss anyway. What am I losing, a shirt which can't be worn and can't be donated? Oh no!
The one thing that I feel the most pressure about now is time. It's running out rapidly, and while in some ways I am starting to feel like being pregnant is taking forever, I do know that November is going to be here in what will later feel like the blink of an eye. I have so much to do between now and then! I'm starting to resent the time I have to be at work because it feels totally useless. There are so many more practical things I could be doing with my time, rather than sitting at a desk! As well as time, though, there's also my energy levels to think of. It's waaaay better than the first trimester, but I'm still needing more time to sleep than I normally do, and I tire easily. So we'll see how much I manage to get done. If I do get these projects completed, I might actually remember to take pictures to share. Hopefully.
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
Random pregnancy stuff - and get ready to flip your shit
My feet have started swelling. For some reason, more than morning sickness or stretch marks or anything else, this was the one pregnancy symptom which I really dreaded. I think partly just because I use my feet so much, and partly because I am rather vain about my feet. Weird, right? But...they're tiny (size 5 1/2 or 6, depending). And they don't have any odd malformations. I think they're swelling in part because of the heat, which made the national news. It's gone down a bit today, being around 64 and rainy (yay!--it'll keep the fires down, of which we've already had one closeby), but it's still too hot for me. After my cold shower last night, I sat to read my book (finally got a chance to read J.K. Rowling's "Casual Vacancy"--it was good! but sad, so be warned) and soak my feet in some cold water. It doesn't seem to have helped very much.
So for now, I'm wearing loose clogs and whatever else doesn't constrict my feet too much. I'm supposed to avoid flip-flops because they don't give any support, but my nice sandals are too constricting. After wearing them yesterday I had imprints from the bands across my feet.
Also, my feet hurt.
I'm honestly a little disappointed not to really have all those cravings you hear about pregnant women having. It's like a right of passage to send my husband out in the middle of the night to get something I MUST HAVE NOW, right? Instead, I'm still stuck with more food aversions and avoidances than anything else. Even when I do have minor cravings, they're not ongoing. Once the craving has been satisfied I no longer crave that food. It's making figuring out what to eat very tricky.
While I don't have a lot of self-generated cravings, however, I am finding myself more susceptible to suggestions of foods and then getting a mild craving for that food which won't go away until I've had it. I texted Shane earlier, knowing that he was going to the store, asking him to get some Honey Nut Cheerios because someone mentioned them and now they're about the only food which sounds tasty. Aside from the doughnut I'm eating. It was a bad, bad idea to start reading a book (one of the Stephanie Plum series by Janet Evanovich) in which the main character has an obsession with doughnuts.
Shane, of course, knows about this suggestibility and has tried using it several times. I think he was hoping for a bigger reaction to a comment about (cooked) sushi. However, he and our friend Donald set me up for a brownie craving, first by talking about workouts and trying to eat good things, which segued into a conversation about nuts and Shane saying, "Nah, I don't like them." D said, "What, not even in things? Like, walnuts in brownies? I love that." I wasn't even part of the conversation, but it stuck with me. They both got a good laugh out of it when I made brownies the next night. Evil. Pure evil.
Thankfully, some of my cravings have been healthy, as well. We were making burgers the other night and Shane always mixes in a bit of teriyaki sauce with the moose meat. I smelled it and thought, "I need pineapple on my burger. Need." We happened to have a can, so I got pineapple. I've been eating avocado all week, and right around the time Baby was supposed to be making bones (rather than just cartilage) I started wanting milk. Summer fruits might bankrupt us, if given half a chance, because I've been craving them as well. (Normal for me at this time of year, but a bit exaggerated.) So I don't feel bad about giving into my few "bad" cravings when I get them because most of the time, what I want is really healthy and really good for me.
I think I've started feeling little kicks and movements. It's hard to know, but when I'm lying or sitting very still and very quietly, sometimes I feel a little...well, it's hard to describe, isn't it? But it really does feel like a tiny fist or foot might be tapping me from the inside. I don't feel it every day, yet, but at 19 weeks this is about the time to start feeling it. Over the next few weeks Baby should be getting much stronger and the hits more noticeable.
Get ready to flip your shit. I don't know why everyone else gets so crazy about a baby's gender--it doesn't really matter for quite a while. But people want to buy gendered items (why?) and it's a huge deal to find out or not to find out. I've been polling friends and family to see what they're hoping for or what they want it to be. Most people have voted for "girl". I think, at least among our friends, it's partly to spite Shane. For some reason, they like to rib him about the possibility of having a girl? Nobody tells me, "I want you to have a boy because I think it would be hilarious to see you with a boy," but they'll all say something similar about Shane having a girl. It could also be, however, that I have three brothers so everyone knows I'm comfortable with boys. Shane doesn't have any sisters, so it's assumed that he'd be a bit nervous about having a girl. They're seriously underestimating him.
As for us, we've wanted to find out simply because it's another way of getting to know something about who we're bringing into the world. Shane has said to me that, if he had his druthers, we'd have two boys. But really, he'll be happy with whatever healthy baby we have. Either way, this baby is going to have its parents wrapped around its teeny tiny fingers. I don't have a preference on gender. I picture babies and children of either gender and just think, "I'm going to have one of those!" It brings a grin to my face. I did joke to a friend the other day, after talking about Shane breaking his femur in 3rd grade, "And this is why I don't want boys." But I quickly looked down and told my abdomen, "I'm just kidding, Baby, I'll love you no matter who you are."
So the big news? This baby is......a girl. I'm a bit surprised, and still trying to wrap my head around it. With three brothers, and marrying into a family of only boys, I honestly just kinda figured the odds were stacked against me. But I get to have a baby girl!!!! I'm so, so happy. And yet, without my joy in having a girl being diminished at all, I'm also a little sad that it's not a boy. Crazy, right? I think it would be the same if the gender was reversed--I'd be sad about not having a girl, that is. I think it's just a lost opportunity thing. Baby girls are nice and baby boys are nice and I want both. Totally selfish of me, I know.
Telling the parents was hilarious. My parents had me on speaker phone so that they could both hear the news. Toward the end, I could hear my dad dancing around their kitchen saying, "A girl! It's a girl!"
And that was nothing to my MIL's reaction. After having only boys, she is rather desperate for a girl. So Shane was wise and put her on speaker phone before we told her. I'm surprised the neighbors didn't come down to complain about the screaming. Knowing that she's going to go shopping pretty much immediately, and for the rest of her life, for girl stuff we told her that we don't want to have our house be overrun with pink. Seriously. I'm not much of a fan of pink in general, I've already talked about my hatred for the way kids' toys are far too gendered, and I'm not a fan of pink. We'll see how well she listened to that.
And this baby girl is going to have four doting uncles. Somehow, some way, I'm going to manage to get a picture of all four of them with her because I think that would be awesome. Shane said, "Yeah, and then we can show it to all of her future boyfriends as a warning. After I greet them at the door with a shotgun, of course. No one's gonna mess with my baby girl."
So for now, I'm wearing loose clogs and whatever else doesn't constrict my feet too much. I'm supposed to avoid flip-flops because they don't give any support, but my nice sandals are too constricting. After wearing them yesterday I had imprints from the bands across my feet.
Also, my feet hurt.
I'm honestly a little disappointed not to really have all those cravings you hear about pregnant women having. It's like a right of passage to send my husband out in the middle of the night to get something I MUST HAVE NOW, right? Instead, I'm still stuck with more food aversions and avoidances than anything else. Even when I do have minor cravings, they're not ongoing. Once the craving has been satisfied I no longer crave that food. It's making figuring out what to eat very tricky.
While I don't have a lot of self-generated cravings, however, I am finding myself more susceptible to suggestions of foods and then getting a mild craving for that food which won't go away until I've had it. I texted Shane earlier, knowing that he was going to the store, asking him to get some Honey Nut Cheerios because someone mentioned them and now they're about the only food which sounds tasty. Aside from the doughnut I'm eating. It was a bad, bad idea to start reading a book (one of the Stephanie Plum series by Janet Evanovich) in which the main character has an obsession with doughnuts.
Shane, of course, knows about this suggestibility and has tried using it several times. I think he was hoping for a bigger reaction to a comment about (cooked) sushi. However, he and our friend Donald set me up for a brownie craving, first by talking about workouts and trying to eat good things, which segued into a conversation about nuts and Shane saying, "Nah, I don't like them." D said, "What, not even in things? Like, walnuts in brownies? I love that." I wasn't even part of the conversation, but it stuck with me. They both got a good laugh out of it when I made brownies the next night. Evil. Pure evil.
Thankfully, some of my cravings have been healthy, as well. We were making burgers the other night and Shane always mixes in a bit of teriyaki sauce with the moose meat. I smelled it and thought, "I need pineapple on my burger. Need." We happened to have a can, so I got pineapple. I've been eating avocado all week, and right around the time Baby was supposed to be making bones (rather than just cartilage) I started wanting milk. Summer fruits might bankrupt us, if given half a chance, because I've been craving them as well. (Normal for me at this time of year, but a bit exaggerated.) So I don't feel bad about giving into my few "bad" cravings when I get them because most of the time, what I want is really healthy and really good for me.
I think I've started feeling little kicks and movements. It's hard to know, but when I'm lying or sitting very still and very quietly, sometimes I feel a little...well, it's hard to describe, isn't it? But it really does feel like a tiny fist or foot might be tapping me from the inside. I don't feel it every day, yet, but at 19 weeks this is about the time to start feeling it. Over the next few weeks Baby should be getting much stronger and the hits more noticeable.
Get ready to flip your shit. I don't know why everyone else gets so crazy about a baby's gender--it doesn't really matter for quite a while. But people want to buy gendered items (why?) and it's a huge deal to find out or not to find out. I've been polling friends and family to see what they're hoping for or what they want it to be. Most people have voted for "girl". I think, at least among our friends, it's partly to spite Shane. For some reason, they like to rib him about the possibility of having a girl? Nobody tells me, "I want you to have a boy because I think it would be hilarious to see you with a boy," but they'll all say something similar about Shane having a girl. It could also be, however, that I have three brothers so everyone knows I'm comfortable with boys. Shane doesn't have any sisters, so it's assumed that he'd be a bit nervous about having a girl. They're seriously underestimating him.
As for us, we've wanted to find out simply because it's another way of getting to know something about who we're bringing into the world. Shane has said to me that, if he had his druthers, we'd have two boys. But really, he'll be happy with whatever healthy baby we have. Either way, this baby is going to have its parents wrapped around its teeny tiny fingers. I don't have a preference on gender. I picture babies and children of either gender and just think, "I'm going to have one of those!" It brings a grin to my face. I did joke to a friend the other day, after talking about Shane breaking his femur in 3rd grade, "And this is why I don't want boys." But I quickly looked down and told my abdomen, "I'm just kidding, Baby, I'll love you no matter who you are."
So the big news? This baby is......a girl. I'm a bit surprised, and still trying to wrap my head around it. With three brothers, and marrying into a family of only boys, I honestly just kinda figured the odds were stacked against me. But I get to have a baby girl!!!! I'm so, so happy. And yet, without my joy in having a girl being diminished at all, I'm also a little sad that it's not a boy. Crazy, right? I think it would be the same if the gender was reversed--I'd be sad about not having a girl, that is. I think it's just a lost opportunity thing. Baby girls are nice and baby boys are nice and I want both. Totally selfish of me, I know.
Telling the parents was hilarious. My parents had me on speaker phone so that they could both hear the news. Toward the end, I could hear my dad dancing around their kitchen saying, "A girl! It's a girl!"
And that was nothing to my MIL's reaction. After having only boys, she is rather desperate for a girl. So Shane was wise and put her on speaker phone before we told her. I'm surprised the neighbors didn't come down to complain about the screaming. Knowing that she's going to go shopping pretty much immediately, and for the rest of her life, for girl stuff we told her that we don't want to have our house be overrun with pink. Seriously. I'm not much of a fan of pink in general, I've already talked about my hatred for the way kids' toys are far too gendered, and I'm not a fan of pink. We'll see how well she listened to that.
And this baby girl is going to have four doting uncles. Somehow, some way, I'm going to manage to get a picture of all four of them with her because I think that would be awesome. Shane said, "Yeah, and then we can show it to all of her future boyfriends as a warning. After I greet them at the door with a shotgun, of course. No one's gonna mess with my baby girl."
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