The following posts have been written over the past few months, starting near the beginning of March, and are part of why I haven't posted very much recently. Keeping this secret under my hat for a while was tough!
I have a huge grin on my face right now. One which might even be described as shit-eating. You see, I'm pregnant. And right at this moment, I'm the only one who knows it. Oh, sure, Shane knows that I might be. Just last night he asked, "So, um, when are you supposed to get your period, again?" But even if he suspects, he doesn't know. I know.
We have friends and family who know that we've started trying, or at least that we've stopped preventing it. (Totally different in my mind, and sort of our approach--I feel like when people start "trying" it becomes all about ovulation times and such, rather than about actually connecting with your spouse/partner, the person you're trying to create another human with, and letting things happen as they will.) But while some of them are waiting anxiously for our "Hey, guess what?" no one actually knows. (Although, his mom did call the other night and when Shane said, "So, I just wanted to tell you--" I heard her break in and exclaim, "You're giving me a grandbaby!" I shot Shane a deer-in-the-headlights look which he didn't seem to notice. Is his mom telepathic? We didn't even tell her we were going to start trying!) Aside from a few things like that, for now, it's just me who knows this.
I suppose I should add my pets into that equation. They know. Of course they do. They were actually the first signs I had that I might be, could be. You see, my cat has always been very in tune with me. When I'm sick, he's the first to know it and he lets me know by transforming into a completely snuggly cat. (SO not his usual style!) I even noticed, after I stopped taking birth control, that he'd get extra cuddly around the time I was supposed to be ovulating. (And isn't that weird to notice in your cat?) Well, he never really stopped being cuddly with me this month. I thought that it might have been the stomach flu I had, but that has passed and he's still paying extra attention to me.
The dog, too, slowly started freaking out more and more in the past couple of weeks. She's often a bit nervous, but this is crazy. She even defected from sleeping with Shane to sleeping with me. When the dog has abandoned her favorite person in favor of her second favorite person, something's up.
I've tried to keep myself from freaking out about all of this. I wanted to be so zen about it all, the waiting and the whole process. I can't be, though. I'm just not that kind of person. I make lists, and plan endlessly, and come up with alternatives and try to think of every possible outcome. How could I possibly wait patiently to see if I could be pregnant or not? I've been a nervous bundle of energy and half-suppressed excitement. I tried to tell myself all the reasons why my period could be a day, two days late. Three days, keep breathing, it probably hasn't happened yet.... HOLY CRAP IT'S BEEN FOUR DAYS!!!!!! That's sort of what my internal self has been like this week. Fireworks going off in my head and another big, shit-eating grin.
I hope it stays on my face. I know I'll be uncomfortable at times. I know it's not easy. And still, in my head there is a running list of things which could go wrong. We're going to tell only a few select people at first, because what if I miscarry? Trust me, keeping that secret will be ROUGH. I want to tell everyone.
Despite the cautions in my head, I refuse to let all of the "what-ifs" stop me from being ridiculously joyful.
This is my springtime dream. I'm still doing fine, still only looking ahead to when I'll be unable to see my own toes and feeling like I lumber and waddle more than I walk. I'm going to use the time I have for now to get as much done as I can, to be sure that my major goals and projects (such as the garden) don't fall by the wayside. It's helping to renew some of my commitments, such as eating healthy and trying to preserve as many of the earth's natural resources as possible. I mean, being a mom means wanting the best for your kids.
I'm going to be a mom. Am a mom? What a heady thought.
I popped awake at 4:40 this morning, needing to pee. This seems to have been happening a lot in the past week. Since I'm very much an impatient person, I decided to go ahead and use the test that's been waiting patiently behind the trash can in our bathroom cupboard. Does it surprise you that I didn't take it until now? Whatever, I didn't need its confirmation to know what I know. And thankfully it didn't take the full five minutes to give me a result like I expected. (Or maybe I fell asleep a little bit while I waited?) Soon enough that little pink plus sign was staring back up at me and I was smiling. I might have even done a little happy dance.
I wanted to rush back to the bedroom and wake Shane up to tell him. But, I just couldn't do that to him. He has three tests today, two of them being in his hardest classes. I won't even get a chance to tell him tonight because he arranged to have friends come over around the same time he gets home, perhaps even before he's home. More waiting.
In the meantime, I've been surreptitiously reading up on this whole pregnancy deal. I found some pregnancy books through ListenAlaska which I've placed holds on. I'm reminding myself that it's ok to go easy on myself now. I tried to workout last night and only made it about half an hour. I don't seem to be extra tired (in fact, considering that I was up for about the next two hours after taking the test, I'm amazingly alert and awake today) but certain things tire me more than they used to. Walking up the hill to work in the morning is leaving me winded, things like that. It will be so fascinating to see what changes occur in me as this moves forward. I can even tell that I'm hungrier than I normally am, and it might be psychosomatic but certain tastes seem exaggerated. No sickness or anything (yet), thank goodness..
This baby, when it arrives, will transform two people into parents. Four people into grandparents. Three new uncles will be made, and 1 man will have a nephew or niece by blood rather than marriage. (Not that that really matters, but I didn't want to leave him out!) Several people will become great-grandparents. It's such a heady feeling. So much for what is, right now, just a bundle of cells.
When does it start to feel real?
I finally told Shane yesterday morning, Saturday. Waiting a full day to tell him was hard, but he needed Friday to be focused on his schoolwork. Then when he was done, when I could have told him, he was flying so high from finally getting through the day that I knew he just needed to unwind. Not that "Hey, we're having a baby," is bad news, but I didn't want to steal his moment, you know?
Which absolutely doesn't mean that I was patient about waiting to tell him. I haven't been able to focus on much (not good--I have schoolwork I need to focus on too!) so I waited very impatiently for him to wake up yesterday. Thankfully, the sun took care of that fairly early. I laid down with him and when I was sure he was actually awake I told him. There was no big, "Wha--what?", of course. He can do math, he knew when I was supposed to get my period. But the confirmation was cool. We laid there and talked for a long time. I finally got to tell him about all of the early pregnancy symptoms I've noticed in myself. (Like the fact that my uterus feels like it's stretching--which is pretty much exactly what's happening right now. Or the fact that I go from, "Hmm, I'm starting to get hungry," to "FEED ME!!!!" in about the same amount of time it's taken me to write this sentence. Not super exhausted yet, but a few smells have started getting to me and things taste very potent first thing in the morning. All this for something that's still only the size of a sesame seed.) It was so nice to finally be able to confide in him.
When I offered to take another test to show him he said, "You just want to assert your dominance by peeing on things, don't you?" I married such a romantic guy.
We're trying to think of clever ways to tell our families. Shane cleaned off his desk yesterday and found a cigar that he got at the wedding we went to last summer. (He doesn't smoke, really, but about once or twice a year he'll have a cigar with friends/family.) I suggested that he send a cigar to his brother with a note which just says, "Call me when you get this." That way, even though they're long-distance, they can still celebrate together.
For my parents, I think I'll set up a Skype talk with them. In my family it's tradition that grandparents get to have cool nicknames. No grandma and grandpa in my family. My own grandparents were Mimi (dad's mom), Nonnee (mom's mom) and Poppa (mom's dad). My aunt and Uncle have chosen Grammie and OGBO (standing for Oh Great Bearded One--because he didn't feel old enough to be a grandpa yet, and most variations of "Pop" had been taken by other family members). So to tell my parents, I think I'll just (casually, of course) ask them if they've started thinking up their grandparent names yet.
This is fun.